My new Blog

So I am back in school. It feels good actually. Its always a hard thing to go back after being out for so long but I like the feeling of sitting in a class room again and learning things. I don't necessarily like the idea of homework again but this semester should be a lot of fun with the classes that I'm taking. One of the classes in a Mass Communications class. I am required to keep a blog during this class. So as a result I may not blog as much on this blog. This is my personal blog (obviously since Ive done nothing but gripe about my broken heart over the last...oh I don't know 20 or so posts. I really will get better at this. Its just that when that is what is mostly on my mind what else am I going to write about.
So that being said if you want to check out my blog for class its www.acowintheocean.wordpress.com
I think it will be a fun experiment and who knows if it goes well I may just keep it up after I am finished with that class. We will see. Either way with all the new homework and other things going on in my life now I may be blogging a little less. Don't know why I am telling you this exactly just so you know I guess.

Welcome 2012

Well, its the start of a new year. I wonder what it will bring. As I look back on my life and especially on the last few years every year as been absolutely momentous. I can only assume this year will be the same. I hope that I grow and learn new things. I hope that I cry a little and laugh a lot. I hope that I reconnect with old friends and build longer lasting relationships. I hope I meet new people... and yes I hope I fall in love.
(Warning: I am about to dive into a deep deep pool of feelings probably best left unexpressed. But words are my friends, and somehow it helps to unburden myself of these feelings. And lets be honest better to express them here where they will perhaps be seen by an occasional bored Internet surfer than to say them to the person at whom they are really directed. It can do me no good to tell him how I feel now so here they are in all their glory. And if you read on you do so having been warned beforehand!)
I'm really getting a fresh start this year. In the last month since Ryan and I broke up I have felt a lot of emotions. I started out by just feeling a little relieved that things had ended as well as they did and that I didn't feel completely devastated. I felt OK and even a little relieved to just have it all over. And I felt really proud of myself as day after day went by and I didn't cry once. (Unless you count a few tears here and there that threaten to fall but don't)
Then I started to feel a little angry and embarrassed. I was angry because I felt that I had given Ryan the two things that are the most difficult for me to give and he had thrown them back in my face. I had given him the ultimate form of trust. A willingness to link my future with his and spend the rest of my life living with, loving and relying on him. For someone as independent as I am that takes a lot and I was a huge thing for me. The other thing that I gave him was my love. I can think of very few people that I have given that too and all of them have been family. Never have I loved someone and allowed them to see so intimately into my life as I did with Ryan. So I was angry to see that it meant nothing to him and he didn't want what I had to give.
I was angry because in looking back I can see that he never really did love me. I know that he says that he did but I think he has fooled himself if he really believes that. He never did any of the things that people do when you love someone.
I was angry because I had spent so many days and nights listening to him complain and worry and stress and I had tried to be there and to be a good girl friend and to listen and love him through it all and I felt that he didn't appreciate it
I was angry because I didn't know what I had done to deserve a guy who treated me the way that he did. Not that he did anything horrific or anything it was just a lot of little things. Canceling plans often and at the last minute, leaving me hanging over and over, being so unsure of himself and of us, not really being there for me when I needed him most. It seemed that if I ever really needed him I had to put my foot down and insist on it or he wouldn't be there. Little things like just not being a gentleman, not seeming to care about what I wanted or needed.
I was mad because I had spent so many days wondering and waiting for him to get his life together and so many nights crying into my pillow wondering why i couldn't penetrate the stone wall around his heart.
And I felt embarrassed because I had given so much and received so little and I never dreamed that I would be one of those girls that would put up with that and come back for more and yet I did. Over and over again I did. And every time he hurt me.
After I was done being angry I started to be sad. I was sad because I knew that one day he would figure himself out and he would be in a better place in his life and he will love someone and care for them in the ways that I would have given anything to have him do for me. I was sad because after all he was my very best friend and the person who I dreamed of sharing my life with. He was the person that I felt more comfortable and at ease with than anyone. He was someone that I could talk to and share things with, he was someone who understood me and shared so many things with me. And I was sad that all of that would eventually fade into nothingness and our friendship would become just a memory and one day I knew I would smile a little at the memories and then go back to my life and that's all.
One year ago last night was new years eve. I was horribly sick and yet I went with Ryan to see a movie. We saw the Adjustment Bureau. Matt Damon plays a politician who is being denied the chance to spend his life with the woman he loves because of fate. Essentially. He fights and she trusts him and they change their fate together. I thought it was inspiring. Last night I found myself at a party a little ironically watching the same movie. I knew that Ryan was sitting at home. It was his turn to be sick this time. I sent him a text wishing him a happy new year and then as I watched the movie, I started to wonder if I had given up on us and maybe like Matt Damon's character I just needed to fight for him. It would have been so easy to fall into believing that I could and that it would make a difference if i did.
The truth is that its not fate that's keeping Ryan and I apart. Its choices, choices that each of us are consciously making. Its my decision to want more than he was willing to give and his decision to be unwilling or unable to give it. Its one thing to fight against fate for the one you love, its another thing altogether to fight the one you love and try to drag them into something against their will. I decided as I drove home and went to bed that i had done my part, if loving him could have done it, it fighting for him could have opened his heart and if waiting for him would have made a difference, we would be together today because I did all of those things. I did my part and I can start a new year, and leave the past behind. Ryan isn't everything. He hasn't broken me, he hasn't stolen anything that I didn't give willingly, I have no regrets about the way I loved him. Nor about how much I gave. I'm ready to date again, to move forward and to let the love that I once felt die out. I know that it will and I know that one day i will love again. Here's to a new year. a new perspective, and a new hope!

My first mistake...

I want to say my first mistake was in staying up so late. But everything unravels in this lonely head of mine and Im not even sure I could say anymore what my first mistake was.
Ive been doing so well lately in dealing with the break up. When we tried to break up before I had this horrible heavy feeling that left me feeling as though I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything until somehow, someway things worked out for us. This time its different. I know that things probably aren't going to work out with us and actually I find that just knowing and accepting that is alot easier than trying to hang on to hope, and wait for something that may or may not ever happen. Its easier than being with him and being worried sick that things are going to take a turn for the worse again and its easier than putting my life on hold waiting to see what is going to happen.
I registered for an EMT training course today. I feel so happy and excited at all that lies ahead for me. I feel energized by the fact that I am moving forward again.
So Im happy... and when it becomes too difficult to continue being happy I usually just go to bed before I end up thinking about things too much and find out that actually I'm not so happy.
Tonight I just wasnt tired. I stayed up scrapbooking and reading and suddenly it hit me how terribly much I miss Ryan. I cant help but wonder if I gave up. I wonder if he is lonely and sad tonight too. I wonder how he is doing and if and when he will find someone else. I worry that he will never find the love he is looking for. And all at the same time I worry that he will. I want him all to myself. I want to share the rest of my life with him. Whoever she is I hate her already.
The truth is that I want him and I want all the good things that we had and are together but I want it with none of the bad. I want it in a world where I can be more honest with him and where he will not stress and worry and be sick or in pain all the time. I want a relationship with a Ryan that is confident and proactive. I want a relationship with a Ryan who is comfortable letting me in to his heart. He often told me that he didnt want to marry a girl that wanted to change him. Maybe thats why things just didnt work with us, maybe I wouldnt have been happy without wanting to change those things about him.
If there is any hope for us I hope HF sends us both the experiences we need to get to a place where we can make this work. And if there isnt...if we really truly are better off without each other I hope that my heart will heal quickly and the lonely ache will leave behind a more faithful, patient woman. And when it has healed I hope that there will be someone else who will live all those dreams with me that have been packed away and stored again for another day.

Doors and windows

Ive always loved Sunday mornings. They have a way of refreshing my perspective and opening my heart.

There is an old saying that says when God closes a door he always opens a window. Sometimes I struggle to be satisfied with the opening of windows. In fact quite often I fight against what they have to offer.

This morning I woke and with consciousness came the awareness once again that Ryan is gone. Really truly gone and my heart hurts, my hope feels dim and I wonder how to go on.

The other day I sat in the temple trying to get the courage to let him go. I couldnt seem to stop crying. I couldnt seem to find the strength to just say goodbye to him and move forward. I had a beautiful experience that reminded me of HF's promises to me but I felt tired of living on promises. A promise doesnt do you much good when you find yourself all alone on a friday night. A promise doesnt help much when you sit watching your little sisters who you cared for as infants moving forward and marrying and having their own babies. A promise doesnt make the lonely nights any warmer or the heartache any less.

I sat there begging for comfort. And even that seemed not enough. I didnt want to feel comfort from the spirit. I wanted something tangible. Something real. I wanted a hug and I wanted it from a real live being that I could see and feel and touch. I wanted to know that someone cared. I prayed for that and within minutes from across the room came a sweet missionary. This girl had been in my ward and recently left to serve her mission. She was still in the MTC and this particular morning was her temple day. She remembered me and came and sat with me and held me while I cryed. Just knowing that HF really heard my prayer knew when I had, had enough and sent me exactly what I needed somehow gave me the strength to accept the open window he has offered me. Later when it came time to tell Ryan all that I had been feeling and to let him go I felt a strength and a comfort that I would never have imagined I was capable of holding me up and carrying me forward. I did it with very few tears and even after he kissed me goodbye and walked out of my door that feeling stayed with me and carried me through the next couple of days.

So this morning when I woke and reality hit me. The strength I have been feeling significantly lessened and the weight of the loneliness increased I came here to write about what I know, to remind myself that I am not alone and that my Father knows what I can handle and when I really can do no more he will carry my load. I know that and so I square up my shoulders take a deep breath and watch the sun, rising on a new day through my little window.

In the blind spot

Its December first. A beginning of a new month and a beginning of something else. I dont know what. But Ive been broken down and that only happens when a building up is about to happen.

I feel so alone. As a child I was surrounded with more family than I knew what to do with. THen one by one they have gone their seperate ways. My friends married and had children and I too moved on to find new friends and move away from home to start my own life. Then those friends married and moved on and now I sit here at thirty years old, and I dont know where I belong anymore. My little sisters and my roommates are now marrying and having babies, I quit my job and as of this week Ryan and I are officially over. Oh how I loved him and probably always will. Hopefully the pain of missing him will diminish, hopefully the need to see him and to share the events of my day will dwindle and when it does all that will remain are fond memories and a deep love and respect for the something special that we had.

It needed to happen, I needed to be able to look the man I marry in the eye on our wedding day and know that he chose to be there, that he wanted to marry me and I want to see excitement in his eyes. I want to be able to rest comfortably knowing he will be there when I need him most and I want to know that he will fight with me and for me.

I dont know why Ryan couldnt do those things. Maybe its not for me to know. But I know that I gave it everything I had and more. I know the relationship didnt fail it just ended without ever culminating in marriage. I learned alot.

I promise myself that I wont let the pain I am experiencing now keep me from jumping with faith and both feet the next time that love finds me. I would rather do love whole heartedly and miss the mark than to tip toe around it and only half experience its joys.

I dont know where to go from here. I have promises to hang on to, I have the Lord in my corner showing me whenever I can see it that he is still there and still watching out for me. I know that hope is there. I can feel it. Perhaps its just in my blind spot and if it is then that means that it is not far off. In the mean time I want this pain to serve as the refiners fire to soften my heart not harden it. Pain is interesting that way. When you fight against it it hurts so much more, but when you take it upon you, realize that its there to serve a purpose and that purpose is ultimately to bring you joy then it becomes a tool to carry you through, to build you up and to create something worth having.

The Bend in the Road

There have been just a few times in my life that I truly felt that I couldnt see my way ahead, that life as I knew it was changing and try as I might I couldnt see enough of what was coming to feel at ease with it.
Ive long since learned that the best way to make HF laugh is to tell him your plans for the future. My life is so far from what I planned for it to be. Over all I am happy in the changes to that plan. But there are a few things that I struggle to make peace with.
I never saw myself as a career woman, never saw myself caring much about business. And then when I started working and experienced some of that I found out why its so easy to get so involved in a career that it is a sacrifice to give it up to be a wife and mother. I often found myself excited and energised by the corporate world and all the adventure, excitement and competitiveness that it has to offer. Then one day I spent the weekend with a sister of mine who is a mom many times over. As I played with the kids, held them on my lap and listened to their stories, rocked them when they were sick and listened to them sing together for me, my heart was deeply touched and I remembered why I always felt that motherhood and family was the most important. Corporate America has got nothing on families. Nothing will ever compare and when it comes to making a difference, top bringing a person, a living breathing soul, full of potential, and dreams in to the world, and then shaping their perception and lives in such a way that you will always be one of if not the most important figures in their life.
i've always felt this way and yet as my biological clock beats a steady and all to furious rhythm toward middle age and the end of those child bearing years I find myself wondering what I will do with myself if I have to find meaning in other things. The day may come that I will need to realize that the road Im traveling isnt headed to Motherhood and my life will have to continue and I will have to find purpose and happiness somewhere else.
So I sit here; without a job, without a degree, without even an idea of what outside of these things is important to me. And I wonder what lies around the bend in this road that I am facing? Whatever it is am I going to like it? Am I going to be able to endure it? Is it bringing a bright new future or more devastating loneliness. Heavenly father doesnt seem to want to give me a peek. But as I sat in church today I did feel like I recieved a message. It came as it often does not from the words that are spoken but the ones that are sung. We were singing Be Still My Soul and the words touched me more even than they usually do. This one always has been a favorite of mine.
As I sang

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I thought that with all the changes that I know are coming for me and oh how afraid I feel at the unknown this time, this is true. I do know that through it all he will be there, faithful as my best, my heavenly friend always has and always will be.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

He has guided my past, and I know he will guide my future as well. And as I look forward at the possibilities that lie ahead, whether Ryan is a part of that or not, whether the storm sends waves that seem far to big for my little boat to handle, I know that the waves and winds do still know his voice, he will not abandon me in my time of need, and he will not let the waves consume me.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Somehow someway, through all that life has to offer, the good the bad, the joys and heartaches, with this time of change as well as others that I know will continue to come, it will all be over and it will all have been for a good cause, the pain will be forgotten and all the promises the father has promised me will be fulfilled.
I remind myself of these things and I know that its a good thing, I know that its a true thing, but I also know that in those moments when the storm threatens to overturn my boat and I tell my soul to be still it will take every bit of faith I have within me to tell my soul to be still and to live these words I believe in.

What is Love?

I find myself pondering that question alot lately.

I was 14 years old when my little sister Esther was born. The birth was rather traumatic and my mom was not really in a condition to care for her for awhile. I kind of became her mother. By the time Mother was able to care for her Esther just preferred me for alot of things. One of which was putting her to bed. Each day when she went down for her nap I would take her and rock her to sleep and sing to her. One of her favorites was an old John Denver love song called Perhaps Love.

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

Everytime I would sing that song to her I felt sad when I sang the words "some say they dont know" because I felt like that was me. I felt like I had never really experienced love and therefore didnt know what it was. I was mentally going over those words in my head the other day and realized that while I have experienced love of many kinds I still fall into that category of those who just dont know.

When I was younger I thought that Love was falling so madly and passionately in love with someone that you would do anything for them, that they become your everything and you would fight to the death for them. I dreamed of a Knight in Shining armor coming to rescue me from the injustices of childhood and whisking me away to some faraway land of adventure where I would never again ask for permission and where he would stand with me in a field of flowers and watch the sunset as the wind blew gently through my hair.

When I got a little older I was intrigued by the idea that "true love" is about giving not taking, and I saw myself dying for the man I loved. I especially loved the idea that love is letting go. Its loving enough to let them go and when you do they come back.

As I entered my twenties I decided to put childishness behind me and realize that love is a feeling that grows between two people who have lived and sacrificed together and devolped a quiet peaceful feeling of togetherness and home and that that was what true love was. I decided that love is something that grows not something that is born.

At one point there was a guy I knew. He was kind and sweet, we spent every free moment together, we had adventures, we sat together quietly and just talked for hours or watched movies, we served each other, played together and I cared alot for him. I knew that he wanted our relationship to be more than what it was but I just didnt feel anything else toward him. I told myself to just try it and that it didnt matter if I felt those kinds of feelings toward him because love could grow. But I couldnt bring myself to do it. There just wasnt a spark there. I wondered if I was immature.

More recently I met another guy, we went on several dates and I realized that here was a good man. He too was kind and sweet, funny and a good listener, he was open and easy to take to, he was comfortable and we seemed to have alot in common. He worked in the temple, was a ballroom dancer, grew up on a farm with lots of brothers and sisters, he loved to sing and play the piano. He made me feel beautiful and smart. He seemed to have it all. And he was good looking to boot! ...and I loved him like I love my roommates. I hoped for the best for his future, I hoped we would stay in touch and be friends but once again there just wasnt a spark there. I began to wonder if my immaturity and false idea of what love was would cost me ever having one at all.

All I really had to go on was a dream that I had as a young girl where I had felt really and truly in love with someone. It was a feeling unlike anything I had ever known but I knew that it was a feeling that was worth waiting for and I promised myself I wouldnt settle for anything short of that feeling. So I was holding out.

One day I went on a date with a guy I often refer to as Ryan. I didnt really know him. I thought he was cute, and something about him had caught my eye but that was about all. We sat there in our seats watching the 4th of july fireworks and he turned and said something to me and suddenly I was flooded with a feeling that I remembered well from my dream but that I had almost given up hope of ever feeling. I didnt understand why I was feeling love for a guy that I didnt know. It hadnt "grown" like I had thought it would have to. It just was suddenly there. Ryan was easy to be with. The first and only guy I had ever gone out with where it didnt feel at least a little bit like work. It was easy and comfortable to be with him and yet there were fireworks like I had never before experienced. Let me tell you about Ryan.

Ryan is not dashing and chivalrous, in fact more often than not he forgets (or just doesnt think its important) to open my door for me. He is not tall dark and handsome. He is not the daring, sweet and somewhat dangerous cowboy like Bill Radnor, (the cowboy I first fell in love with from the book Home Mountain). In fact not only is he a city boy through and through but he is also allergic to horses! Ryan is not the type to pick flowers for my hair, and to rescue me from anything really. ( I think he would much prefer it if I could rescue myself)

Yet I love him as I never knew it was possible to love. You know how you never lose patience with your self because you trust yourself to do your best. You never worry about what path you will take because you trust your own ability to reason and make decisions. I trust Ryan that way. I always wondered how I would trust someone enough to put my life in his hands but I do. I know his heart and I trust in the goodness that I see there. I know he will make mistakes just as I will and I know I wont always agree with him but I trust the person that he is. I love how the differences between us broaden my perspective. How when he talks politics to me I learn so much about things that aren't normally apart of my realm of thinking. How his open casual way of talking challenges my own self perceived honesty. I love how much fun we have together and how when he smiles really big his eyes crinkle at the corners. I love his sense of humor and how we can talk for hours and never run out of things to say. How being with him just feels right and how after over a year of dating it still gives me butterfly's in my stomach when he holds my hand. I love how he is the first person that I want to share anything with.

Ive always heard and believed that the person you love will bring out the best in you. I believe Ryan does but not in the way I expected. I have seen my flaws more clearly as I have dated him and I have learned and grown immensely in patience, in faith, in honesty and confidence. I have learned to trust, I have learned to risk and through it all I have learned to love. Love has grown between Ryan and I. I have come to feel that when I am in his arms I feel that old feeling of coming home after a long trip and seeing the familiar white fence that meant I was home. It feels like both the powerful passionate feelings I anticipated as a child, the selfless desire for anothers happiness over my own that I believed in as a teenager and the gentle, peaceful love I thought would grow when I was in my twenties. Now at the ripe old age of thirty Ive determined that I still dont know what love is and its ok because whatever it is it has exceeded all my expectations and met all my needs in one way or another. Perhaps, love really is everything.