I feel lonely today. Life without my Daddy in it hardly seems worth it. I dont know why I am thinking about him so much today. Could be that I read a talk that my Bishop emailed me about "this life we call death" it was supposed to be helpful but it made me cry.
Yes I know I am being a little melodramatic as he is not gone yet. But the reality I face is this...
1.)Baring a miracle of course my father will be dying shortly. That day that I have dreaded and avoided thinking about for years is creeping up on me.
2.)I know he says that he is not but I cant help feeling that my father is disappointed in me and will die disappointed in me
3.)My husband (whoever he is and trust me when he does dare show his face I might not want to talk to him for taking so long to get his act together and show up in my life) will never know my dad.
4.) My children (if I ever have any) will never know the man that was my hero, my rock.
5.) I am going to be forced to face the fact that my family is not all I once thought it was, hoped it to be and that the world that I thought was my safe haven doesnt exhist.

Years ago my dad came to me, stood in front of me and placed his arms on my shoulders. Didda, he said one day you are going to go to my funeral. You will stand in line and walk past my casket and see my body lying inside all cold and hard. You will sit through the funeral and then go to the grave side. After it is all over and you are all standing around the grave I want you to wait. I want you to stay there and wait until everyone else is gone. And I will be there and I will give you a hug.

I love you Father. I wish I could tell you that in person.