So I am back in school. It feels good actually. Its always a hard thing to go back after being out for so long but I like the feeling of sitting in a class room again and learning things. I don't necessarily like the idea of homework again but this semester should be a lot of fun with the classes that I'm taking. One of the classes in a Mass Communications class. I am required to keep a blog during this class. So as a result I may not blog as much on this blog. This is my personal blog (obviously since Ive done nothing but gripe about my broken heart over the last...oh I don't know 20 or so posts. I really will get better at this. Its just that when that is what is mostly on my mind what else am I going to write about.
So that being said if you want to check out my blog for class its www.acowintheocean.wordpress.com
I think it will be a fun experiment and who knows if it goes well I may just keep it up after I am finished with that class. We will see. Either way with all the new homework and other things going on in my life now I may be blogging a little less. Don't know why I am telling you this exactly just so you know I guess.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Welcome 2012
Well, its the start of a new year. I wonder what it will bring. As I look back on my life and especially on the last few years every year as been absolutely momentous. I can only assume this year will be the same. I hope that I grow and learn new things. I hope that I cry a little and laugh a lot. I hope that I reconnect with old friends and build longer lasting relationships. I hope I meet new people... and yes I hope I fall in love.
(Warning: I am about to dive into a deep deep pool of feelings probably best left unexpressed. But words are my friends, and somehow it helps to unburden myself of these feelings. And lets be honest better to express them here where they will perhaps be seen by an occasional bored Internet surfer than to say them to the person at whom they are really directed. It can do me no good to tell him how I feel now so here they are in all their glory. And if you read on you do so having been warned beforehand!)
I'm really getting a fresh start this year. In the last month since Ryan and I broke up I have felt a lot of emotions. I started out by just feeling a little relieved that things had ended as well as they did and that I didn't feel completely devastated. I felt OK and even a little relieved to just have it all over. And I felt really proud of myself as day after day went by and I didn't cry once. (Unless you count a few tears here and there that threaten to fall but don't)
Then I started to feel a little angry and embarrassed. I was angry because I felt that I had given Ryan the two things that are the most difficult for me to give and he had thrown them back in my face. I had given him the ultimate form of trust. A willingness to link my future with his and spend the rest of my life living with, loving and relying on him. For someone as independent as I am that takes a lot and I was a huge thing for me. The other thing that I gave him was my love. I can think of very few people that I have given that too and all of them have been family. Never have I loved someone and allowed them to see so intimately into my life as I did with Ryan. So I was angry to see that it meant nothing to him and he didn't want what I had to give.
I was angry because in looking back I can see that he never really did love me. I know that he says that he did but I think he has fooled himself if he really believes that. He never did any of the things that people do when you love someone.
I was angry because I had spent so many days and nights listening to him complain and worry and stress and I had tried to be there and to be a good girl friend and to listen and love him through it all and I felt that he didn't appreciate it
I was angry because I didn't know what I had done to deserve a guy who treated me the way that he did. Not that he did anything horrific or anything it was just a lot of little things. Canceling plans often and at the last minute, leaving me hanging over and over, being so unsure of himself and of us, not really being there for me when I needed him most. It seemed that if I ever really needed him I had to put my foot down and insist on it or he wouldn't be there. Little things like just not being a gentleman, not seeming to care about what I wanted or needed.
I was mad because I had spent so many days wondering and waiting for him to get his life together and so many nights crying into my pillow wondering why i couldn't penetrate the stone wall around his heart.
And I felt embarrassed because I had given so much and received so little and I never dreamed that I would be one of those girls that would put up with that and come back for more and yet I did. Over and over again I did. And every time he hurt me.
After I was done being angry I started to be sad. I was sad because I knew that one day he would figure himself out and he would be in a better place in his life and he will love someone and care for them in the ways that I would have given anything to have him do for me. I was sad because after all he was my very best friend and the person who I dreamed of sharing my life with. He was the person that I felt more comfortable and at ease with than anyone. He was someone that I could talk to and share things with, he was someone who understood me and shared so many things with me. And I was sad that all of that would eventually fade into nothingness and our friendship would become just a memory and one day I knew I would smile a little at the memories and then go back to my life and that's all.
One year ago last night was new years eve. I was horribly sick and yet I went with Ryan to see a movie. We saw the Adjustment Bureau. Matt Damon plays a politician who is being denied the chance to spend his life with the woman he loves because of fate. Essentially. He fights and she trusts him and they change their fate together. I thought it was inspiring. Last night I found myself at a party a little ironically watching the same movie. I knew that Ryan was sitting at home. It was his turn to be sick this time. I sent him a text wishing him a happy new year and then as I watched the movie, I started to wonder if I had given up on us and maybe like Matt Damon's character I just needed to fight for him. It would have been so easy to fall into believing that I could and that it would make a difference if i did.
The truth is that its not fate that's keeping Ryan and I apart. Its choices, choices that each of us are consciously making. Its my decision to want more than he was willing to give and his decision to be unwilling or unable to give it. Its one thing to fight against fate for the one you love, its another thing altogether to fight the one you love and try to drag them into something against their will. I decided as I drove home and went to bed that i had done my part, if loving him could have done it, it fighting for him could have opened his heart and if waiting for him would have made a difference, we would be together today because I did all of those things. I did my part and I can start a new year, and leave the past behind. Ryan isn't everything. He hasn't broken me, he hasn't stolen anything that I didn't give willingly, I have no regrets about the way I loved him. Nor about how much I gave. I'm ready to date again, to move forward and to let the love that I once felt die out. I know that it will and I know that one day i will love again. Here's to a new year. a new perspective, and a new hope!
(Warning: I am about to dive into a deep deep pool of feelings probably best left unexpressed. But words are my friends, and somehow it helps to unburden myself of these feelings. And lets be honest better to express them here where they will perhaps be seen by an occasional bored Internet surfer than to say them to the person at whom they are really directed. It can do me no good to tell him how I feel now so here they are in all their glory. And if you read on you do so having been warned beforehand!)
I'm really getting a fresh start this year. In the last month since Ryan and I broke up I have felt a lot of emotions. I started out by just feeling a little relieved that things had ended as well as they did and that I didn't feel completely devastated. I felt OK and even a little relieved to just have it all over. And I felt really proud of myself as day after day went by and I didn't cry once. (Unless you count a few tears here and there that threaten to fall but don't)
Then I started to feel a little angry and embarrassed. I was angry because I felt that I had given Ryan the two things that are the most difficult for me to give and he had thrown them back in my face. I had given him the ultimate form of trust. A willingness to link my future with his and spend the rest of my life living with, loving and relying on him. For someone as independent as I am that takes a lot and I was a huge thing for me. The other thing that I gave him was my love. I can think of very few people that I have given that too and all of them have been family. Never have I loved someone and allowed them to see so intimately into my life as I did with Ryan. So I was angry to see that it meant nothing to him and he didn't want what I had to give.
I was angry because in looking back I can see that he never really did love me. I know that he says that he did but I think he has fooled himself if he really believes that. He never did any of the things that people do when you love someone.
I was angry because I had spent so many days and nights listening to him complain and worry and stress and I had tried to be there and to be a good girl friend and to listen and love him through it all and I felt that he didn't appreciate it
I was angry because I didn't know what I had done to deserve a guy who treated me the way that he did. Not that he did anything horrific or anything it was just a lot of little things. Canceling plans often and at the last minute, leaving me hanging over and over, being so unsure of himself and of us, not really being there for me when I needed him most. It seemed that if I ever really needed him I had to put my foot down and insist on it or he wouldn't be there. Little things like just not being a gentleman, not seeming to care about what I wanted or needed.
I was mad because I had spent so many days wondering and waiting for him to get his life together and so many nights crying into my pillow wondering why i couldn't penetrate the stone wall around his heart.
And I felt embarrassed because I had given so much and received so little and I never dreamed that I would be one of those girls that would put up with that and come back for more and yet I did. Over and over again I did. And every time he hurt me.
After I was done being angry I started to be sad. I was sad because I knew that one day he would figure himself out and he would be in a better place in his life and he will love someone and care for them in the ways that I would have given anything to have him do for me. I was sad because after all he was my very best friend and the person who I dreamed of sharing my life with. He was the person that I felt more comfortable and at ease with than anyone. He was someone that I could talk to and share things with, he was someone who understood me and shared so many things with me. And I was sad that all of that would eventually fade into nothingness and our friendship would become just a memory and one day I knew I would smile a little at the memories and then go back to my life and that's all.
One year ago last night was new years eve. I was horribly sick and yet I went with Ryan to see a movie. We saw the Adjustment Bureau. Matt Damon plays a politician who is being denied the chance to spend his life with the woman he loves because of fate. Essentially. He fights and she trusts him and they change their fate together. I thought it was inspiring. Last night I found myself at a party a little ironically watching the same movie. I knew that Ryan was sitting at home. It was his turn to be sick this time. I sent him a text wishing him a happy new year and then as I watched the movie, I started to wonder if I had given up on us and maybe like Matt Damon's character I just needed to fight for him. It would have been so easy to fall into believing that I could and that it would make a difference if i did.
The truth is that its not fate that's keeping Ryan and I apart. Its choices, choices that each of us are consciously making. Its my decision to want more than he was willing to give and his decision to be unwilling or unable to give it. Its one thing to fight against fate for the one you love, its another thing altogether to fight the one you love and try to drag them into something against their will. I decided as I drove home and went to bed that i had done my part, if loving him could have done it, it fighting for him could have opened his heart and if waiting for him would have made a difference, we would be together today because I did all of those things. I did my part and I can start a new year, and leave the past behind. Ryan isn't everything. He hasn't broken me, he hasn't stolen anything that I didn't give willingly, I have no regrets about the way I loved him. Nor about how much I gave. I'm ready to date again, to move forward and to let the love that I once felt die out. I know that it will and I know that one day i will love again. Here's to a new year. a new perspective, and a new hope!
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