My first mistake...

I want to say my first mistake was in staying up so late. But everything unravels in this lonely head of mine and Im not even sure I could say anymore what my first mistake was.
Ive been doing so well lately in dealing with the break up. When we tried to break up before I had this horrible heavy feeling that left me feeling as though I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything until somehow, someway things worked out for us. This time its different. I know that things probably aren't going to work out with us and actually I find that just knowing and accepting that is alot easier than trying to hang on to hope, and wait for something that may or may not ever happen. Its easier than being with him and being worried sick that things are going to take a turn for the worse again and its easier than putting my life on hold waiting to see what is going to happen.
I registered for an EMT training course today. I feel so happy and excited at all that lies ahead for me. I feel energized by the fact that I am moving forward again.
So Im happy... and when it becomes too difficult to continue being happy I usually just go to bed before I end up thinking about things too much and find out that actually I'm not so happy.
Tonight I just wasnt tired. I stayed up scrapbooking and reading and suddenly it hit me how terribly much I miss Ryan. I cant help but wonder if I gave up. I wonder if he is lonely and sad tonight too. I wonder how he is doing and if and when he will find someone else. I worry that he will never find the love he is looking for. And all at the same time I worry that he will. I want him all to myself. I want to share the rest of my life with him. Whoever she is I hate her already.
The truth is that I want him and I want all the good things that we had and are together but I want it with none of the bad. I want it in a world where I can be more honest with him and where he will not stress and worry and be sick or in pain all the time. I want a relationship with a Ryan that is confident and proactive. I want a relationship with a Ryan who is comfortable letting me in to his heart. He often told me that he didnt want to marry a girl that wanted to change him. Maybe thats why things just didnt work with us, maybe I wouldnt have been happy without wanting to change those things about him.
If there is any hope for us I hope HF sends us both the experiences we need to get to a place where we can make this work. And if there isnt...if we really truly are better off without each other I hope that my heart will heal quickly and the lonely ache will leave behind a more faithful, patient woman. And when it has healed I hope that there will be someone else who will live all those dreams with me that have been packed away and stored again for another day.

Doors and windows

Ive always loved Sunday mornings. They have a way of refreshing my perspective and opening my heart.

There is an old saying that says when God closes a door he always opens a window. Sometimes I struggle to be satisfied with the opening of windows. In fact quite often I fight against what they have to offer.

This morning I woke and with consciousness came the awareness once again that Ryan is gone. Really truly gone and my heart hurts, my hope feels dim and I wonder how to go on.

The other day I sat in the temple trying to get the courage to let him go. I couldnt seem to stop crying. I couldnt seem to find the strength to just say goodbye to him and move forward. I had a beautiful experience that reminded me of HF's promises to me but I felt tired of living on promises. A promise doesnt do you much good when you find yourself all alone on a friday night. A promise doesnt help much when you sit watching your little sisters who you cared for as infants moving forward and marrying and having their own babies. A promise doesnt make the lonely nights any warmer or the heartache any less.

I sat there begging for comfort. And even that seemed not enough. I didnt want to feel comfort from the spirit. I wanted something tangible. Something real. I wanted a hug and I wanted it from a real live being that I could see and feel and touch. I wanted to know that someone cared. I prayed for that and within minutes from across the room came a sweet missionary. This girl had been in my ward and recently left to serve her mission. She was still in the MTC and this particular morning was her temple day. She remembered me and came and sat with me and held me while I cryed. Just knowing that HF really heard my prayer knew when I had, had enough and sent me exactly what I needed somehow gave me the strength to accept the open window he has offered me. Later when it came time to tell Ryan all that I had been feeling and to let him go I felt a strength and a comfort that I would never have imagined I was capable of holding me up and carrying me forward. I did it with very few tears and even after he kissed me goodbye and walked out of my door that feeling stayed with me and carried me through the next couple of days.

So this morning when I woke and reality hit me. The strength I have been feeling significantly lessened and the weight of the loneliness increased I came here to write about what I know, to remind myself that I am not alone and that my Father knows what I can handle and when I really can do no more he will carry my load. I know that and so I square up my shoulders take a deep breath and watch the sun, rising on a new day through my little window.

In the blind spot

Its December first. A beginning of a new month and a beginning of something else. I dont know what. But Ive been broken down and that only happens when a building up is about to happen.

I feel so alone. As a child I was surrounded with more family than I knew what to do with. THen one by one they have gone their seperate ways. My friends married and had children and I too moved on to find new friends and move away from home to start my own life. Then those friends married and moved on and now I sit here at thirty years old, and I dont know where I belong anymore. My little sisters and my roommates are now marrying and having babies, I quit my job and as of this week Ryan and I are officially over. Oh how I loved him and probably always will. Hopefully the pain of missing him will diminish, hopefully the need to see him and to share the events of my day will dwindle and when it does all that will remain are fond memories and a deep love and respect for the something special that we had.

It needed to happen, I needed to be able to look the man I marry in the eye on our wedding day and know that he chose to be there, that he wanted to marry me and I want to see excitement in his eyes. I want to be able to rest comfortably knowing he will be there when I need him most and I want to know that he will fight with me and for me.

I dont know why Ryan couldnt do those things. Maybe its not for me to know. But I know that I gave it everything I had and more. I know the relationship didnt fail it just ended without ever culminating in marriage. I learned alot.

I promise myself that I wont let the pain I am experiencing now keep me from jumping with faith and both feet the next time that love finds me. I would rather do love whole heartedly and miss the mark than to tip toe around it and only half experience its joys.

I dont know where to go from here. I have promises to hang on to, I have the Lord in my corner showing me whenever I can see it that he is still there and still watching out for me. I know that hope is there. I can feel it. Perhaps its just in my blind spot and if it is then that means that it is not far off. In the mean time I want this pain to serve as the refiners fire to soften my heart not harden it. Pain is interesting that way. When you fight against it it hurts so much more, but when you take it upon you, realize that its there to serve a purpose and that purpose is ultimately to bring you joy then it becomes a tool to carry you through, to build you up and to create something worth having.