Project Happiness Completed

Project Happiness was my plan of looking everyday for those things that brought joy to my life and writing about them. It was about living in each moment and not longing for the past or looking to much toward the future but really enjoy what each day had to offer me.

I started this experiment at a rather difficult time in my life. It fulfilled far more than I had anticipated. I found myself living more in each moment, enjoying little things that may have gone unnoticed, finding and feeling gratitude in unlikely situations, becoming more in tune with my feelings, feeling closer to my HF and feeling more peace and love and faith than I had in a very long time. My project was supposed to last 30 days. The last ten days I didnt write. You know the saying that the darkest hour is just before dawn? This project came in a sense at my darkest hour. There were moments especially toward the end of my experiment where I felt as though I could do no more and go no further, then the light came, and the trial that I found myself in came to an end.

In one of my earlier posts I wrote about life being OK or not. And how it is really just a pattern of sometimes its ok and sometimes its not, sometimes life is wonderful and sometimes its hard and OK really is temporary and irrelevant. As the trial that I was facing came to an end and the weight that was sitting on my chest for months lifted and I felt that rush of breath again I was somewhat surprised to find that while it was wonderful in everyway it didnt bring the euphoria that I would have thought it would. and I think its because I know that it wont solve all my problems its just that the wheel has turned and for this moment I am on top.

Its a comforting feeling actually, stable and even secure. I know what to expect. I know that hard times are going to come again and then they will go. And really nothing has changed. I still need HF as much as ever I still need to learn patience, focus on living each moment to the fullest, I still need to take risks, work hard, and live my life with faith.

Ryan is back! The love I feel for him increased by the trials that we faced in honoring what we felt we were asked to do. I dont know how long it will last. But this moment is my happy one. Last night as he held me in his arms as we were saying goodnight at the door, I looked into his face and I wanted to cherish that moment just the way it was, to savor it and make sure that I appreciated it adequately given all the weeks and months that I would have given so much just to see his face across the room and hear about his day.

I no longer feel sure as to what is going to happen. I dont know if we will somehow work through those things that are keeping us a part or if this will prove to be nothing more than a learnign experience and one day we will truly go our seperate ways and learn to love someone else. But as I have just one other time in my life I really feel ok about not knowing, not seeing more than the one step that I need to take in this moment. Its all I need, its all I can handle! The Lord knows my heart. He knows how much I want a home and children and he has promised those things to me. I can trust that he will bring them into my life at the right time and in the right way and all I can do and all I should do is take care of this moment, love it, live it, cherish it and grow from it.

Project Happiness Day 20

Joy is the most interesting thing. It is made more sweet by having experienced pain, it is so powerful that it can overcome years of heartache in a single moment. It can come in the most simple of ways and it can just sweep in without even a warning and remove the cobwebs of doubt, dust out the corners filled with lonliness, remove the clutter of fears and unmet expectations and leave your heart feeling fresh and new.
I feel that way now. I feel that the ache is beginning to lessen and is being replaced by the kind of hope that makes you smile when you think no one is watching. I have no regrets. The pain that I have been experiencing recently will only serve to make my heart more tender and my soul so much more prepared for the happiness that the Lord has promised.
I guess that is what I am most grateful for today. That I know my pain will not be wasted and that I know how quickly it will be forgotten.

Day 18 and 19

Saturday was Margarete's wedding. This was the event that brought us to Canada. Hannah and Margarete have been best friends for sometime. I hurt just a little for Hannah as I know a little too much about the lonliness she will feel as this friendship changes and as more and more of her friends are married. When Hannah lay in the ICU right after her accident Margarette came to see her and told her that she was getting married, she told Hannah that she needed her there and that she wanted her to be the one to do up her dress for the wedding. It brought tears to my eyes to watch that moment that we all wondered if she would live to see actually happen.
Im ashamed to say that I feel worn out and exhausted with trying to be happy, with trying to see the good things in life, and with trying to enjoy each moment. As I sat listening to conference all by myself and making bows for decorations at the wedding I just felt lonely and sad and that I didnt really belong anywhere. I didnt feel the spirit, I didnt feel that renewed energy that I was so hoping for with conference. All I felt was sadness that as I helped get ready for Margarete's special day I wonder if mine will ever come, and I have wondered that for so long that it begins sometimes to feel hopeless. Sometimes I dont know how long I can keep going and yet I dont see any other alternative. The Lord Keeps his promises to us...I know he does. I just really need to see some of those promises fulfilled for me sooner rather than later. Or at least find some way to feel somethng of peace in the meantime.
Sunday was a long day spent in the car. We drove straight through and arrived back home at about 10 PM. My legs were aching, my heart was aching, I had a bad case of TB and was ever so glad to get home. I fell asleep with a little glimmer of hope on the horizon.
The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. despair drains from us all that is vibran and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul. and deadens the heart. despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.
Hope on the other hand is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brillian dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world or relativism. confusion and of fear."
I refuse to let despair take hold of my life. There is hope, there will always be hope, for me as well as for everyone!

Project Happiness Day 16 and 17

Thursday was a great day spent moslty packing and getting ready for a trip to Canada with my sister Hannah. After work I headed up to my parents house to pick her up. She had put together a box full of healthy goodies for us to eat along the way and she had a collection of Road Trip CD's to help pass the time. We drove to Monteview ID, a little town were some of Hannah's good friends live. It was really nice to get to visit in person with some of the girls up there who I only really know on facebook. They are good girls and I see a light in their eyes that lets me know that they love the Lord. We spent the night there and then headed back out on the road on friday morning. It was a beautiful drive and I found myself in awe at the variety and beauty of nature. We arrived in BC Canada after being grilled by a border gaurd who obviously didnt want to let us pass. As we pulled into Winston's place children were everywhere, their faces all so alike seeming to come from every open doorway.
We went to their little fireside had dinner and then we were both so tired we opted for bed rather than going to a bon fire later that night. I feel more lonely here than ever before. It seems an effort to take each breath. While it is incredibly beautiful here I will be happy to get home.
Quote for the day: "Let us lay aside everyweight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us."