My first mistake...

I want to say my first mistake was in staying up so late. But everything unravels in this lonely head of mine and Im not even sure I could say anymore what my first mistake was.
Ive been doing so well lately in dealing with the break up. When we tried to break up before I had this horrible heavy feeling that left me feeling as though I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything until somehow, someway things worked out for us. This time its different. I know that things probably aren't going to work out with us and actually I find that just knowing and accepting that is alot easier than trying to hang on to hope, and wait for something that may or may not ever happen. Its easier than being with him and being worried sick that things are going to take a turn for the worse again and its easier than putting my life on hold waiting to see what is going to happen.
I registered for an EMT training course today. I feel so happy and excited at all that lies ahead for me. I feel energized by the fact that I am moving forward again.
So Im happy... and when it becomes too difficult to continue being happy I usually just go to bed before I end up thinking about things too much and find out that actually I'm not so happy.
Tonight I just wasnt tired. I stayed up scrapbooking and reading and suddenly it hit me how terribly much I miss Ryan. I cant help but wonder if I gave up. I wonder if he is lonely and sad tonight too. I wonder how he is doing and if and when he will find someone else. I worry that he will never find the love he is looking for. And all at the same time I worry that he will. I want him all to myself. I want to share the rest of my life with him. Whoever she is I hate her already.
The truth is that I want him and I want all the good things that we had and are together but I want it with none of the bad. I want it in a world where I can be more honest with him and where he will not stress and worry and be sick or in pain all the time. I want a relationship with a Ryan that is confident and proactive. I want a relationship with a Ryan who is comfortable letting me in to his heart. He often told me that he didnt want to marry a girl that wanted to change him. Maybe thats why things just didnt work with us, maybe I wouldnt have been happy without wanting to change those things about him.
If there is any hope for us I hope HF sends us both the experiences we need to get to a place where we can make this work. And if there isnt...if we really truly are better off without each other I hope that my heart will heal quickly and the lonely ache will leave behind a more faithful, patient woman. And when it has healed I hope that there will be someone else who will live all those dreams with me that have been packed away and stored again for another day.

Doors and windows

Ive always loved Sunday mornings. They have a way of refreshing my perspective and opening my heart.

There is an old saying that says when God closes a door he always opens a window. Sometimes I struggle to be satisfied with the opening of windows. In fact quite often I fight against what they have to offer.

This morning I woke and with consciousness came the awareness once again that Ryan is gone. Really truly gone and my heart hurts, my hope feels dim and I wonder how to go on.

The other day I sat in the temple trying to get the courage to let him go. I couldnt seem to stop crying. I couldnt seem to find the strength to just say goodbye to him and move forward. I had a beautiful experience that reminded me of HF's promises to me but I felt tired of living on promises. A promise doesnt do you much good when you find yourself all alone on a friday night. A promise doesnt help much when you sit watching your little sisters who you cared for as infants moving forward and marrying and having their own babies. A promise doesnt make the lonely nights any warmer or the heartache any less.

I sat there begging for comfort. And even that seemed not enough. I didnt want to feel comfort from the spirit. I wanted something tangible. Something real. I wanted a hug and I wanted it from a real live being that I could see and feel and touch. I wanted to know that someone cared. I prayed for that and within minutes from across the room came a sweet missionary. This girl had been in my ward and recently left to serve her mission. She was still in the MTC and this particular morning was her temple day. She remembered me and came and sat with me and held me while I cryed. Just knowing that HF really heard my prayer knew when I had, had enough and sent me exactly what I needed somehow gave me the strength to accept the open window he has offered me. Later when it came time to tell Ryan all that I had been feeling and to let him go I felt a strength and a comfort that I would never have imagined I was capable of holding me up and carrying me forward. I did it with very few tears and even after he kissed me goodbye and walked out of my door that feeling stayed with me and carried me through the next couple of days.

So this morning when I woke and reality hit me. The strength I have been feeling significantly lessened and the weight of the loneliness increased I came here to write about what I know, to remind myself that I am not alone and that my Father knows what I can handle and when I really can do no more he will carry my load. I know that and so I square up my shoulders take a deep breath and watch the sun, rising on a new day through my little window.

In the blind spot

Its December first. A beginning of a new month and a beginning of something else. I dont know what. But Ive been broken down and that only happens when a building up is about to happen.

I feel so alone. As a child I was surrounded with more family than I knew what to do with. THen one by one they have gone their seperate ways. My friends married and had children and I too moved on to find new friends and move away from home to start my own life. Then those friends married and moved on and now I sit here at thirty years old, and I dont know where I belong anymore. My little sisters and my roommates are now marrying and having babies, I quit my job and as of this week Ryan and I are officially over. Oh how I loved him and probably always will. Hopefully the pain of missing him will diminish, hopefully the need to see him and to share the events of my day will dwindle and when it does all that will remain are fond memories and a deep love and respect for the something special that we had.

It needed to happen, I needed to be able to look the man I marry in the eye on our wedding day and know that he chose to be there, that he wanted to marry me and I want to see excitement in his eyes. I want to be able to rest comfortably knowing he will be there when I need him most and I want to know that he will fight with me and for me.

I dont know why Ryan couldnt do those things. Maybe its not for me to know. But I know that I gave it everything I had and more. I know the relationship didnt fail it just ended without ever culminating in marriage. I learned alot.

I promise myself that I wont let the pain I am experiencing now keep me from jumping with faith and both feet the next time that love finds me. I would rather do love whole heartedly and miss the mark than to tip toe around it and only half experience its joys.

I dont know where to go from here. I have promises to hang on to, I have the Lord in my corner showing me whenever I can see it that he is still there and still watching out for me. I know that hope is there. I can feel it. Perhaps its just in my blind spot and if it is then that means that it is not far off. In the mean time I want this pain to serve as the refiners fire to soften my heart not harden it. Pain is interesting that way. When you fight against it it hurts so much more, but when you take it upon you, realize that its there to serve a purpose and that purpose is ultimately to bring you joy then it becomes a tool to carry you through, to build you up and to create something worth having.

The Bend in the Road

There have been just a few times in my life that I truly felt that I couldnt see my way ahead, that life as I knew it was changing and try as I might I couldnt see enough of what was coming to feel at ease with it.
Ive long since learned that the best way to make HF laugh is to tell him your plans for the future. My life is so far from what I planned for it to be. Over all I am happy in the changes to that plan. But there are a few things that I struggle to make peace with.
I never saw myself as a career woman, never saw myself caring much about business. And then when I started working and experienced some of that I found out why its so easy to get so involved in a career that it is a sacrifice to give it up to be a wife and mother. I often found myself excited and energised by the corporate world and all the adventure, excitement and competitiveness that it has to offer. Then one day I spent the weekend with a sister of mine who is a mom many times over. As I played with the kids, held them on my lap and listened to their stories, rocked them when they were sick and listened to them sing together for me, my heart was deeply touched and I remembered why I always felt that motherhood and family was the most important. Corporate America has got nothing on families. Nothing will ever compare and when it comes to making a difference, top bringing a person, a living breathing soul, full of potential, and dreams in to the world, and then shaping their perception and lives in such a way that you will always be one of if not the most important figures in their life.
i've always felt this way and yet as my biological clock beats a steady and all to furious rhythm toward middle age and the end of those child bearing years I find myself wondering what I will do with myself if I have to find meaning in other things. The day may come that I will need to realize that the road Im traveling isnt headed to Motherhood and my life will have to continue and I will have to find purpose and happiness somewhere else.
So I sit here; without a job, without a degree, without even an idea of what outside of these things is important to me. And I wonder what lies around the bend in this road that I am facing? Whatever it is am I going to like it? Am I going to be able to endure it? Is it bringing a bright new future or more devastating loneliness. Heavenly father doesnt seem to want to give me a peek. But as I sat in church today I did feel like I recieved a message. It came as it often does not from the words that are spoken but the ones that are sung. We were singing Be Still My Soul and the words touched me more even than they usually do. This one always has been a favorite of mine.
As I sang

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I thought that with all the changes that I know are coming for me and oh how afraid I feel at the unknown this time, this is true. I do know that through it all he will be there, faithful as my best, my heavenly friend always has and always will be.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

He has guided my past, and I know he will guide my future as well. And as I look forward at the possibilities that lie ahead, whether Ryan is a part of that or not, whether the storm sends waves that seem far to big for my little boat to handle, I know that the waves and winds do still know his voice, he will not abandon me in my time of need, and he will not let the waves consume me.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Somehow someway, through all that life has to offer, the good the bad, the joys and heartaches, with this time of change as well as others that I know will continue to come, it will all be over and it will all have been for a good cause, the pain will be forgotten and all the promises the father has promised me will be fulfilled.
I remind myself of these things and I know that its a good thing, I know that its a true thing, but I also know that in those moments when the storm threatens to overturn my boat and I tell my soul to be still it will take every bit of faith I have within me to tell my soul to be still and to live these words I believe in.

What is Love?

I find myself pondering that question alot lately.

I was 14 years old when my little sister Esther was born. The birth was rather traumatic and my mom was not really in a condition to care for her for awhile. I kind of became her mother. By the time Mother was able to care for her Esther just preferred me for alot of things. One of which was putting her to bed. Each day when she went down for her nap I would take her and rock her to sleep and sing to her. One of her favorites was an old John Denver love song called Perhaps Love.

Perhaps love is like a resting place
A shelter from the storm
It exists to give you comfort
It is there to keep you warm
And in those times of trouble
When you are most alone
The memory of love will bring you home

Perhaps love is like a window
Perhaps an open door
It invites you to come closer
It wants to show you more
And even if you lose yourself
And don't know what to do
The memory of love will see you through

Oh, Love to some is like a cloud
To some as strong as steel
For some a way of living
For some a way to feel
And some say love is holding on
And some say letting go
And some say love is everything
And some say they don't know

Perhaps love is like the ocean
Full of conflict, full of pain
Like a fire when it's cold outside
Thunder when it rains
If I should live forever
And all my dreams come true
My memories of love will be of you

Everytime I would sing that song to her I felt sad when I sang the words "some say they dont know" because I felt like that was me. I felt like I had never really experienced love and therefore didnt know what it was. I was mentally going over those words in my head the other day and realized that while I have experienced love of many kinds I still fall into that category of those who just dont know.

When I was younger I thought that Love was falling so madly and passionately in love with someone that you would do anything for them, that they become your everything and you would fight to the death for them. I dreamed of a Knight in Shining armor coming to rescue me from the injustices of childhood and whisking me away to some faraway land of adventure where I would never again ask for permission and where he would stand with me in a field of flowers and watch the sunset as the wind blew gently through my hair.

When I got a little older I was intrigued by the idea that "true love" is about giving not taking, and I saw myself dying for the man I loved. I especially loved the idea that love is letting go. Its loving enough to let them go and when you do they come back.

As I entered my twenties I decided to put childishness behind me and realize that love is a feeling that grows between two people who have lived and sacrificed together and devolped a quiet peaceful feeling of togetherness and home and that that was what true love was. I decided that love is something that grows not something that is born.

At one point there was a guy I knew. He was kind and sweet, we spent every free moment together, we had adventures, we sat together quietly and just talked for hours or watched movies, we served each other, played together and I cared alot for him. I knew that he wanted our relationship to be more than what it was but I just didnt feel anything else toward him. I told myself to just try it and that it didnt matter if I felt those kinds of feelings toward him because love could grow. But I couldnt bring myself to do it. There just wasnt a spark there. I wondered if I was immature.

More recently I met another guy, we went on several dates and I realized that here was a good man. He too was kind and sweet, funny and a good listener, he was open and easy to take to, he was comfortable and we seemed to have alot in common. He worked in the temple, was a ballroom dancer, grew up on a farm with lots of brothers and sisters, he loved to sing and play the piano. He made me feel beautiful and smart. He seemed to have it all. And he was good looking to boot! ...and I loved him like I love my roommates. I hoped for the best for his future, I hoped we would stay in touch and be friends but once again there just wasnt a spark there. I began to wonder if my immaturity and false idea of what love was would cost me ever having one at all.

All I really had to go on was a dream that I had as a young girl where I had felt really and truly in love with someone. It was a feeling unlike anything I had ever known but I knew that it was a feeling that was worth waiting for and I promised myself I wouldnt settle for anything short of that feeling. So I was holding out.

One day I went on a date with a guy I often refer to as Ryan. I didnt really know him. I thought he was cute, and something about him had caught my eye but that was about all. We sat there in our seats watching the 4th of july fireworks and he turned and said something to me and suddenly I was flooded with a feeling that I remembered well from my dream but that I had almost given up hope of ever feeling. I didnt understand why I was feeling love for a guy that I didnt know. It hadnt "grown" like I had thought it would have to. It just was suddenly there. Ryan was easy to be with. The first and only guy I had ever gone out with where it didnt feel at least a little bit like work. It was easy and comfortable to be with him and yet there were fireworks like I had never before experienced. Let me tell you about Ryan.

Ryan is not dashing and chivalrous, in fact more often than not he forgets (or just doesnt think its important) to open my door for me. He is not tall dark and handsome. He is not the daring, sweet and somewhat dangerous cowboy like Bill Radnor, (the cowboy I first fell in love with from the book Home Mountain). In fact not only is he a city boy through and through but he is also allergic to horses! Ryan is not the type to pick flowers for my hair, and to rescue me from anything really. ( I think he would much prefer it if I could rescue myself)

Yet I love him as I never knew it was possible to love. You know how you never lose patience with your self because you trust yourself to do your best. You never worry about what path you will take because you trust your own ability to reason and make decisions. I trust Ryan that way. I always wondered how I would trust someone enough to put my life in his hands but I do. I know his heart and I trust in the goodness that I see there. I know he will make mistakes just as I will and I know I wont always agree with him but I trust the person that he is. I love how the differences between us broaden my perspective. How when he talks politics to me I learn so much about things that aren't normally apart of my realm of thinking. How his open casual way of talking challenges my own self perceived honesty. I love how much fun we have together and how when he smiles really big his eyes crinkle at the corners. I love his sense of humor and how we can talk for hours and never run out of things to say. How being with him just feels right and how after over a year of dating it still gives me butterfly's in my stomach when he holds my hand. I love how he is the first person that I want to share anything with.

Ive always heard and believed that the person you love will bring out the best in you. I believe Ryan does but not in the way I expected. I have seen my flaws more clearly as I have dated him and I have learned and grown immensely in patience, in faith, in honesty and confidence. I have learned to trust, I have learned to risk and through it all I have learned to love. Love has grown between Ryan and I. I have come to feel that when I am in his arms I feel that old feeling of coming home after a long trip and seeing the familiar white fence that meant I was home. It feels like both the powerful passionate feelings I anticipated as a child, the selfless desire for anothers happiness over my own that I believed in as a teenager and the gentle, peaceful love I thought would grow when I was in my twenties. Now at the ripe old age of thirty Ive determined that I still dont know what love is and its ok because whatever it is it has exceeded all my expectations and met all my needs in one way or another. Perhaps, love really is everything.

Project Happiness Completed

Project Happiness was my plan of looking everyday for those things that brought joy to my life and writing about them. It was about living in each moment and not longing for the past or looking to much toward the future but really enjoy what each day had to offer me.

I started this experiment at a rather difficult time in my life. It fulfilled far more than I had anticipated. I found myself living more in each moment, enjoying little things that may have gone unnoticed, finding and feeling gratitude in unlikely situations, becoming more in tune with my feelings, feeling closer to my HF and feeling more peace and love and faith than I had in a very long time. My project was supposed to last 30 days. The last ten days I didnt write. You know the saying that the darkest hour is just before dawn? This project came in a sense at my darkest hour. There were moments especially toward the end of my experiment where I felt as though I could do no more and go no further, then the light came, and the trial that I found myself in came to an end.

In one of my earlier posts I wrote about life being OK or not. And how it is really just a pattern of sometimes its ok and sometimes its not, sometimes life is wonderful and sometimes its hard and OK really is temporary and irrelevant. As the trial that I was facing came to an end and the weight that was sitting on my chest for months lifted and I felt that rush of breath again I was somewhat surprised to find that while it was wonderful in everyway it didnt bring the euphoria that I would have thought it would. and I think its because I know that it wont solve all my problems its just that the wheel has turned and for this moment I am on top.

Its a comforting feeling actually, stable and even secure. I know what to expect. I know that hard times are going to come again and then they will go. And really nothing has changed. I still need HF as much as ever I still need to learn patience, focus on living each moment to the fullest, I still need to take risks, work hard, and live my life with faith.

Ryan is back! The love I feel for him increased by the trials that we faced in honoring what we felt we were asked to do. I dont know how long it will last. But this moment is my happy one. Last night as he held me in his arms as we were saying goodnight at the door, I looked into his face and I wanted to cherish that moment just the way it was, to savor it and make sure that I appreciated it adequately given all the weeks and months that I would have given so much just to see his face across the room and hear about his day.

I no longer feel sure as to what is going to happen. I dont know if we will somehow work through those things that are keeping us a part or if this will prove to be nothing more than a learnign experience and one day we will truly go our seperate ways and learn to love someone else. But as I have just one other time in my life I really feel ok about not knowing, not seeing more than the one step that I need to take in this moment. Its all I need, its all I can handle! The Lord knows my heart. He knows how much I want a home and children and he has promised those things to me. I can trust that he will bring them into my life at the right time and in the right way and all I can do and all I should do is take care of this moment, love it, live it, cherish it and grow from it.

Project Happiness Day 20

Joy is the most interesting thing. It is made more sweet by having experienced pain, it is so powerful that it can overcome years of heartache in a single moment. It can come in the most simple of ways and it can just sweep in without even a warning and remove the cobwebs of doubt, dust out the corners filled with lonliness, remove the clutter of fears and unmet expectations and leave your heart feeling fresh and new.
I feel that way now. I feel that the ache is beginning to lessen and is being replaced by the kind of hope that makes you smile when you think no one is watching. I have no regrets. The pain that I have been experiencing recently will only serve to make my heart more tender and my soul so much more prepared for the happiness that the Lord has promised.
I guess that is what I am most grateful for today. That I know my pain will not be wasted and that I know how quickly it will be forgotten.

Day 18 and 19

Saturday was Margarete's wedding. This was the event that brought us to Canada. Hannah and Margarete have been best friends for sometime. I hurt just a little for Hannah as I know a little too much about the lonliness she will feel as this friendship changes and as more and more of her friends are married. When Hannah lay in the ICU right after her accident Margarette came to see her and told her that she was getting married, she told Hannah that she needed her there and that she wanted her to be the one to do up her dress for the wedding. It brought tears to my eyes to watch that moment that we all wondered if she would live to see actually happen.
Im ashamed to say that I feel worn out and exhausted with trying to be happy, with trying to see the good things in life, and with trying to enjoy each moment. As I sat listening to conference all by myself and making bows for decorations at the wedding I just felt lonely and sad and that I didnt really belong anywhere. I didnt feel the spirit, I didnt feel that renewed energy that I was so hoping for with conference. All I felt was sadness that as I helped get ready for Margarete's special day I wonder if mine will ever come, and I have wondered that for so long that it begins sometimes to feel hopeless. Sometimes I dont know how long I can keep going and yet I dont see any other alternative. The Lord Keeps his promises to us...I know he does. I just really need to see some of those promises fulfilled for me sooner rather than later. Or at least find some way to feel somethng of peace in the meantime.
Sunday was a long day spent in the car. We drove straight through and arrived back home at about 10 PM. My legs were aching, my heart was aching, I had a bad case of TB and was ever so glad to get home. I fell asleep with a little glimmer of hope on the horizon.
The adversary uses despair to bind hearts and minds in suffocating darkness. despair drains from us all that is vibran and joyful and leaves behind the empty remnants of what life was meant to be. despair kills ambition, advances sickness, pollutes the soul. and deadens the heart. despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward.
Hope on the other hand is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances. It pierces the darkness with a brillian dawn. It encourages and inspires us to place our trust in the loving care of an eternal Heavenly Father, who has prepared a way for those who seek for eternal truth in a world or relativism. confusion and of fear."
I refuse to let despair take hold of my life. There is hope, there will always be hope, for me as well as for everyone!

Project Happiness Day 16 and 17

Thursday was a great day spent moslty packing and getting ready for a trip to Canada with my sister Hannah. After work I headed up to my parents house to pick her up. She had put together a box full of healthy goodies for us to eat along the way and she had a collection of Road Trip CD's to help pass the time. We drove to Monteview ID, a little town were some of Hannah's good friends live. It was really nice to get to visit in person with some of the girls up there who I only really know on facebook. They are good girls and I see a light in their eyes that lets me know that they love the Lord. We spent the night there and then headed back out on the road on friday morning. It was a beautiful drive and I found myself in awe at the variety and beauty of nature. We arrived in BC Canada after being grilled by a border gaurd who obviously didnt want to let us pass. As we pulled into Winston's place children were everywhere, their faces all so alike seeming to come from every open doorway.
We went to their little fireside had dinner and then we were both so tired we opted for bed rather than going to a bon fire later that night. I feel more lonely here than ever before. It seems an effort to take each breath. While it is incredibly beautiful here I will be happy to get home.
Quote for the day: "Let us lay aside everyweight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us."

Project Happiness Day 15

The other night I went to the temple. I wanted to finish training so that I will be ready on my next shift to actually do some work. I cant even discribe the feeling that I experience there. So much more than Happiness, so much better then contentment its more powerful than peace and more inspiring than a new beginning. I dont know I just feel so fresh as though life truly starts over. After the session I stayed and just enjoyed the beauty of the place for awhile and as I began to pray about some of the things that were weighing heavy on my mind that day I just felt like I so didnt need to worry, in that moment I knew that it really was all going to be just fine. In spite of how I felt tuesday night at the temple Wednesday (day 15) hit hard and in typical mid week fashion. The day seemed long and I felt so tired of trying to keep a smile on my face, tired of trying to be diligent and hopeful and happy. I wanted to give in again and just sit down and cry. Or something. Instead I went out for Ice Cream with a friend. It was welcome relief from the day and our talk encouraged me in my efforts. Its always nice to know that we are not alone in the trials that we face.
Later that night I recieved a message that touched my heart, renewed my hope and left me smiling without even trying when I went to bed. It was a simple reminder of heavenly fathers love for me and of the power of the atonement. The words were encourageing but knowing that someone cared enough to send them meant even more. Instead of a quote today I want to share something that I found in my notes. On this particular day I had just had a talk with someone that I really looked up to and some of the things that he said really stuck with me and actually made a huge difference in my life. This is what I wrote in reference to what I learned from him.
"Surrendering my will also means surrendering my beliefs, my hurts, my patterns and limiting behaviors. Taking His name upon me means realizing this and burying those old ways and patterns in the tomb of my baptism. and accepting that the work that Christ is doing for me on the cross is enough, and that he doesnt need my help up there."
There is alot of power and alot of truth in those words. And they parallel somewhat the message that was sent to me last night. Since Christ already suffered in my behalf for me to refuse to fully accept the work that he did for both my sins and my pain and lonliness and to allow myself access to the healing power that he provides is more than silly, its offensive to the one who suffered all this for me so that I wouldnt have to carry this burden alone. I look forward to the upcoming weeks and to finishing my 30 day challenge going strong. I love the Lord so much and am just in awe of the strength that he provides just when I think I can go no further.

Day 14

I've decided tears aren't so bad. Yesterday as I was driving home from work I was listening to Elder D Todd Christopherson's talk from last conference. His talk "As many as I love I rebuke and chasten" touched me in a way that few things have. As I listened I was reminded of a day years ago when feeling my life lacked purpose and direction I pleaded with the Lord to show me a way to give all that I have and am to him. Today as I struggle to place my faith and trust in him, and to be willing to patiently face the trials that he has put before me I realized that he is just doing what I asked and what is best for me. He is giving me those experiences that will shape me into the kind of person who will be comfortable and at home in his presence. I recently have started working in the Provo temple. There is nothing quite like the feeling that takes place as you walk into that building and from the first whispered greeting a feeling of peace starts to settle in around you, then as you change into your temple clothes that feeling is increased until nothing else in the world matters and contentment, happiness and a desire to do good permeates my entire being. This happens every time. This weekend was difficult for me. I was lonely and tired of being sad. I was tired of trying and of doing and I wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself. In my rebellion I refused to attend women's conference thinking I had had enough of trying to be good. I sat at home watching a sappy and poorly made romantic comedy and feeling sorry for myself, Sunday things went from bad to worse until I found myself in a position where I felt I had shamed myself and offended the Lord. I felt alone and lost, guilty and hopeless. I decided to walk to ward prayer that night to give myself a chance to think. As I did I remembered the feelings that I have in the temple and realized that I want to feel that way. At the moment I had removed myself from the Lords presence and it felt horrible. I was willing at that moment to do whatever it took to fix things.
So back to Elder christopherson's talk. I realized as I listened that if the Lord sees that a little suffering here will remove from me the sinful, proud, and impatience tendencies that will keep me from feeling comfortable and at home in the saviours company than it truly is a small price to pay. Even if all that I face in this life is loneliness and hardship it would still be a small price to pay. The Lord has always proven his way is better than mine. And I have slowly and painfully learned to give my will over to him. But I still find myself fighting to hang on to it.
Today I went home to my parents house to sort through some old boxes that have been in storage there. As I went through my old things that I haven't seen since before I joined the church a heavy feeling of sadness swept through me. I looked through old journals, pictures of years gone by, letters and keepsakes that were so steeped in memories that they brought tears to my eyes. As I drove back to Provo the sounds and words of conference filling the car brought welcome relief. And I realized I think more than I ever really understood that the only thing that can really bring true joy in my life is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Without that I am nothing. I am lost and hopeless. I am guilty and worthless. But because of our ability to repent and access the atonement it all makes sense again. Because we can go to the temple, to scriptures, to conference we can receive strength to face the challenges that we will face in order to sanctify us for his presence. My heart swelled with joy and tears filled my eyes as I drove, as I listened to Elder Holland testify of the preparation and care that goes into each conference talk, as I listened to his voice choked with emotion promise me that if I will listen with the spirit I will hear a message prepared specifically, carefully and personally for me in the upcoming conference. What more could I ask for?
"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yeah, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."

Day 12 and 13

Saturday, I spent a good portion of the day at my parents house. My little neice was there and I got to play with her. Such a little girl with an enormous personality. She was laying on the bed as I was playing with her and she was trying so hard not to smile. Babies are one of the few things in life that can bring happiness and joy no matter how bad my day is, and Shaylie was the highlight of this day!

I did some homework and watched a movie with some friends later that night.

Sunday I took a leisurely stroll in the park with my roommate and her family that is visiting. Church was wonderful but for some reason today was another one of those days where I just get to feel the pain and lonliness. Several friends noticed that I was having a hard time and I guess thats what I am the most thankful for. Good friends who watch out for each other and are there during our good times and our bad times. One of my friends texted me later that night and said, Project Happiness isnt so happy right now?" I guess Happiness wouldnt mean much if we didnt have the comparison. Thats actually one of the things that I am grateful for is that I have the opportunity to learn an appreciation now that I didnt have before and wouldnt have without the experiences I am having now. I had an all too brief but encouraging phone call from the one person I wanted most to talk to just before I went to bed.

"Joy lies in the fight, in the attempt, in the suffering involved, not in the Victory itself."

Day 11

Today, we took Hannah back to the site where he accident happened. We stood there looking up at the tower that she fell from, all of us feeling a bit sober. No one has been up there since she fell. A few of the guys welded a railing around it so that you can no longer jump and my aunt painted a sign that hangs on it that says "Johannah's Look Out July 2, 2011 Proves there are angels among us.

We met with a couple of the guys who saved her life and heard their version of the experience. We heard how nearly we came to losing her in the ER and we learned about the heroic efforts of a doctor who wouldnt give up on her.

We had a fantastic lunch and then we made the long drive back home. As we drove I couldnt help but remember the last time I had made that trip. My life had changed on that drive, I gained a clearer perspective of our role in life, who we are and why we are here. I remember feeling so lost and alone and wondering how I was going to get through that. Now looking back Hannah was spared and she is here and well, Ryan on the other hand is not. And thats something that I still struggle to let go of. I want a happy ending with that one too. I want the weight that sits on my chest making me feel like I cant continue to breath to go away. I want that heavy gray rock out of my stomach and I want to sleep through the night again without waking and realizing once again that he is not here and I will indeed have to get through quite a number of days without him. But the reality is that its not what I want that matters. What matters is how I face each day, and that I put my trust in a Heavenly Father who loves me. I often question how much he cares about this. On one hand the person I spent forever with is kind of a big deal. And I know that he knows what my future holds so he should also know who is going to be good for me and who is not. On the other hand, I know that I have a choice, we have a choice in who we marry. Its not a matter of right and wrong, its not a matter of good or bad. And we have been told and I believe that any two people striving to serve god and become better people can make a marriage work. Somehow, someway I will trust a father who knows me and loves me, who has made numerous promises to me, and who has brought me so much peace already. He knows my desires and he will bring into my life what is best for me.

"We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. We always have the choice."

Day 9 and 10

I did something on wednesday that I have been praying, thinking, stewing and fretting about for some time. I quit my job. ITs a scary move to make. Its hard to leave something that has been so good for me for so long. Almost 5 years of my life have been devoted to this company, the better part of everyday spent in that office. Its hard to leave and walk away from all of that. But the truth is that I havent felt needed or useful there for sometime and its a change that I believe will be for the better. As I sat reading and rereading the email I was about to send I remembered another time that I felt fear and hesitancy in leaving something that had been such a major part of my life. I had stood on the steps leading down into the font on the day of my baptism and wondered if I was making the right decisiona and if I could really go through with it. I realized that it had turned out more than alright. It had been one of the best decisions of my life. I clicked send. Then I cryed the whole way home.
I went to a party with all of my sisters later that night. We often have these sister partys (although not often enough for my liking) and this night we sat around and each sister shared a list that she had written three years earlier of goals and dreams that she wanted to accomplish in the next three years. We talked about which things had actually come to pass and which hadnt, we talked about which things we hardly remembered wanting them much less why. And we talked about those things that are still on the list of things we want to do. It was a wonderful evening and nothing brings joy like being with my sisters. It was a good day. When I went home that night to my parents house I saw the following quote on Mothers calendar. It was by Thomas Kinkade but I believe it with all my heart and it struck a chord with me. "You learn to trust in miracles by sailing forward daily with a growing awareness that your needs will be met."
I love it when I find my quote for the day in the most unlikely of places!
Thursday I had a job interview for a job that I would love to have, it went well and I moved on to the next phase of the hiring process. I really hope to hear back from them. I went to work and then went home to my parents house again for the night as we are planning a big day for friday and want to get an early start.

Day 7 and 8

Ok ok so I know this was supposed to be a daily thing. You know how life is... sometimes things just happen and sometimes other things just dont; and that was my week many things happened and the blog just didnt. So I promise to do better this week.
While I wasnt actually blogging about my little experiment I was still living it. Actually in alot of ways this week was a big one for me. Monday was relatively un eventful, other than the fact that I went for a nice long walk with my room mate Kathryn. We had a much needed long talk and I was reminded of some of the many reasons I so wanted to be her room mate. I was contemplating a big decision all day and my favorite quote from President Benson was on my mind alot throughout the day.
"Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that he can make alot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, raise up friends, comfort their souls and pour out peace."
The Lord has always fulfilled this promise in my behalf before. I just have to have faith that he will continue to keep his promises. Awhile back I saw a video of a song called What are words. MY friend Jana related to me how the chorus of that song applies perfectly to the Lord and his promises to us. "What are words if you really dont mean them when you say them. What are words if their only for good times then their done."
The lord would never tell us something if he didnt mean it. And I can say I have faith everyday but if I dont mean it and live life like I mean it its nothing. The Lord has made promises to me personally that he will keep. I just need to work on my end of turning my life over to him so that he can.
ON tuesday, I went to Salt Lake and met with my brother on a project that I am going to be working with him on. I got to have lunch with a couple of my brothers, my dad and two of my moms. I went to work for a few hours and when I went home I met with my Bishop and recieved a blessing to help me face the challenges that lie ahead for me. I truly felt happy that day. I felt at peace, and excited for the future. As Ive been listening to conference from April in preparation for the upcoming conference I heard a talk that I missed the first time around. It was a talk given by Elder Uchtdorf in the priesthood session and he told a story about a man who's dream was to go on a cruise, after saving his money he was finally able to go, he scrimped and ate nothing but rice and beans that he bad brought with him and didnt attend any activities on board the ship. It wasnt until the final day of the cruise that he discouvered that all of that was included with the price of his passage. Then he said the following "Are we as priesthood holders living below our priveledges when it comes to the sacred power gift and blessings that are our opportunity and right as bearers of God's prieshood?"
I may not hold the priesthood but this still applies to me, as a member of God's church on earth and I living below my rights and priveledges? What am I missing by not taping into the blessings the Lord has to offer me? What am I missing because of my lack of faith and my desire to control my life. What am I missing in my selfishness of my time and talents? In the blessing I was given today I was told that the Lord was pleased with me and for the first time in quite awhile I felt it and I believed it. I felt peaceful and happy and full of desire to do better.

Project Happiness Day 4,5 and 6

What a busy weekend! I never even got to sit down in front of a computer long enough to post a quick blog for the day. So here they are all lumped in to one. It was a good weekend too!
On Friday I drove up to Salt Lake to get my Registration renewed on my car. I was pleaseantly surprised to find out that I didnt need to do the emmisions and inspection. My brother was able to get me a killer deal on some new tires and I got to visit with him while they worked on the car. I feel so much more at peace driving a car that isnt running on bald tires and a registration that was more than two months expired!
I spent the night at my parents house and got to hang with my mom and my sisters for a bit. MY mom gave me some delicious gluten free food to take home with me that will help me tremendously with this diet that I am on.
On Saturday I did some homework and scored 8 of 10 on my quiz. I went for a walk in the beautiful fresh air and sunshine with Esther and visited with my good friend Reva.
I went to the temple for my shift Saturday night and had a wonderful time there. Its interesting to be at the temple as a worker rather than a patron. It gives me a different kind of stregnth and a different perspective on the work thats done there.
ON sunday after a leisurly bubble bath in the morning and a chat with roommates I headed out to church where I felt the spirit, recieved answers to prayer and visited with good friends. I feel like I am beginning to get some clarity around what I am supposed to be doing right now, and while there is still a certain amount of fear in moving forward my faith is growing. Some of the scary steps that I am about to take are looking less scary and I am gaining the confidence that I will need to carry me through them.
I am also feeling alot of joy from seeing myself reaching my goals, keeping my commitments and doing alot of good things that I have been struggling to do for some time. During sunday school I realized that I am genuinly grateful for this difficult experience that I am going through. I have seen reasons to be grateful for it in the past but I saw even more reasons today and it gave me so much peace to see that "all things work together for good." Our lesson in RS on sunday was on lonliness. Something that I have been all too familiar with in the last couple of months. As we discussed this topic and why we feel lonely and what we can do about it I felt so grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ that gives me all the tools that I need to combat those types of feelings. I went to bed Sunday night feeling peaceful and even happy after tying up some loose ends and sharing a few words with someone who means the world to me.
Quote for tomorrow: " The very experience of enduring chastening can refine us and prepare us for greater spiritual privileges."

Project Happiness Day 3

"Wait on the Lord, Be Of good courage and he will strengthen thy heart. Wait I say on the Lord"

That was my quote for the day yesterday. I guess someone decided that I needed a chance to really practice this one. If the fact that I ended the day sitting in my car crying until I had a massive headache is an indication of how I did...I think I might have failed.

I did not have good courage...my heart physically hurt, and I wondered if the Lord was even there above that steel ceiling that I sometimes feel separates us. But Happiness I guess isn't about an absence of pain really so much as it is the ability to feel joy inspite of the pain. I might be getting there. So while I was a little angry with myself when those first few tears started to fall, and I thought that this experiment of mine must be a failure, I soon realized that its ok to have a bad day sometimes, to cry a little (or alot as the case may be). That feelings and emotions are just that and nothing more. So we pick our selves up dust of the grime of the day and start again.

Ive thought alot about waiting, over the last decade. And today I thought about what it means to wait on the Lord. For years I have had a favorite quote about waiting. It grows more profound and more applicable to me with each passing year.

Waiting
Steadfastness: That is holding on
Patience: That is holding back
Expectancy: That is holding up the face
Obediance: That is holding onesself in readiness to go or to do
Listening: That is holding quiet and still so as to hear.

Perhaps the most difficult of all of these for me is the last one. Maybe if I would just stop fussing for a minute and be quiet and still the Lord would give me some of the answers that I need. Either way I think this was a good one for me to be thinking about today.

I went to institute with a friend last night. It was really nice to get to see her.

Today at work our CEO made a major announcement. Not entirely sure yet how I feel about the changes that are going to be coming in that area. But then lets face it there isnt much in life that I am entirely sure about at the moment so I guess thats no surprise.

Im grumpy tonight, and having a hard time thinking of things that brought me happiness today. I guess I take my quote literally and just wait.

So quote for tomorrow:

"I testify to you that our promised blessings are beyond measure. Though the storm clouds may gather though the rains may pour down upon us our knowledge of the gospel and our love of our Heavenly Father and of our savior will comfort and sustain us and bring joy to our hearts as we walk uprightly and keep the commandments. My beloved brothers and sisters, fear not be of good cheer. the future is as bright as your faith."

Project Happiness Day 2

ON my desk at work I have this calander...I cross off the days when they are over :( I know that is really sad and not helping me out any but...I am on a really difficult diet and I like to see how much closer I am getting to reaching the end of my diet. That being said, yesterday I forgot to cross the day off the calander. Thats a really good sign that I am not just counting down the hours and minutes until the end of each day. Since yesterday was the first day of my project I consider day 1 a success!
So now moving on to Day 2.
Last night I went swimming with Dave, probably the last swim of the summer judging by the chill in the air. Dave is good for me. He pushes me, he pushes my buttons, he wont let me manipulate him (which I never really knew I did until I met him) and he pushes me to try new things. After we finished with our swim we dryed off and he taught me how to play racketball. I was surprised to find that I really enjoyed it! Now that is not to say that I was good at it. But I actually managed to hit the ball ALOT more often than I thought I would and I had fun, got a little exersize and had an altogether really enjoyable evening.
Today is hump day, that middle of the week drag that is neither the fresh start and new beginning of a monday nor the celebratory friday. Its dull, long and well...wednesday. Today however we had a company brown bag meeting to break up the monotony of the day. They provided lunch which naturally wasnt on my diet so I enjoyed my hard boiled eggs and tryed not to think about the other food they were eating. Over all it was a much better wednesday than I had anticipated!
And last but not least I am beginning to feel a renewed enthusiasm for life, with all its opportunities and adventures. I realized that I have not really been planning and doing and living in the way that I want to and its time to really live again. I am looking at lots of different options, making some concrete plans, getting in touch with my vision and plan for my life and deciding once again what things are important to me. ITs a good feeling. A happy feeling.
I dont know what is coming for me, I guess thats where the hope part of the quote from yesterday comes in. And thats where the adventure lies. But I know that I need to plan and move forward with faith and as I do things will become more clear for me.
Along those lines I have been setting alot of goals for myself recently and doing really well at reaching them. Its a satisfying feeling.
Some of the goals that I have set for myself are:
To read in the Book of Mormon a little each day
To listen to a talk from last general conference each day in preparation for the upcoming conference
To do a better job of cleaning up and organizing my space (anyone who knows me knows this one is really a challenge!)
To spend time in the temple every week.
To get back into school
And then the over arching goal of living life in a more faith filled, confident and happy way.
Yesterday's quote was a beautiful theme for today!
Quote for tommorow: "Wait on the Lord: Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

The 30 Days of Happiness Plan

Lately I have been struggling to find happiness in my life. I often feel so lonely and forgotten by my heavenly father. There are so many things that I want that seem so far outside of my control. I have an opportunity right now to have faith like I never have before.
When I was baptised into the Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday saints I did it willingly but I did it so full of fear and I often looked back not to regret the decision that i made but to agonize over the things that I felt I had lost. Since that day when I hear stories of faithful men and women who sacrifice so much and move forward with faith not looking back and not focusing on the hurt and the loss but on the hope and the future and do it with joy I think "now that is real faith."
Right now I find myself obeying a commandment of the Lord to me, I am doing it willingly but somewhat begrudgingly. I have been sad and unhappy about the fact the the Lord has asked me to sacrifice something that means so much to me. I realize that this is my chance to do things differently. This is my opportunity to show the Lord that I can sacrifice willingly and happily for him because I know of his Love for me and because I know that whatever he has in store is better than what I could hope to achieve on my own.
So in my quest to be more happy and to "find Joy in my days" (as I was promised in a recent blessing) I am going to do a daily blog post for the next 30 days. I have decided that each day I will find something to be happy about. Something that brought me joy and write about it. I will find a quote of the day that will be my theme for how I live that day and I will write about my experiences.
So for today...
Day 1
I have been listening to the most recent general conference as I drive to work each day. I have found that the peace that I feel on those drives and as I listen often stays with me through each day and I am so grateful for the words, so inspired that change my life as they change my perspective.
I got to visit with a good friend Mandy, from when I lived in Missouri today. She is expecting a baby and had the healthy glow of new motherhood about her. As we laughed and talked about old times I was reminded once again of the many good times in my life that I will always have to cherish as memories and the friends who while they may not always be near or accessible, will always be friends.
I read a post today on the Time Out for Women site. It was the talk that inspired this new venture of mine. I really needed to hear it and I have been planning my shedule and filling up my time with good things so that I can find happiness that way and I feel like this was the finishing touch on those efforts! I feel like I am now equiped to face the days ahead and do it armed with Peace, Joy and Love.
My quote for tomorrow is:
Hope is not Knowledge, but rather the abiding trust that the Lord will fulfill His promise to us. It is confidence that if we live according to God's laws and the words of his prophets now we will receive desired blessings in the future. It is believeing and expecting that our prayers will be answered. It is manifest in confidence, optimism, enthusiasm and patient perseverance.

A new beginning

So I haven't written in a long time. I have recently, however began a new journey in my life and I find that I need an outlet to express myself once again. The last couple of months as I have been blogging for my sister left me realizing how much I enjoy it and so i decided to resurrect Didda's world, my little space to share with no one in particular or with some sorry sap that happens to read my ramblings, all that I am thinking and feeling about life.

Having a long relationship with the only man that I had ever loved before suddenly come to an end had left me feeling more vulnerable, lost and confused than I ever had been before. as we rode in the car to Aunt Geri's house I sat in the back seat listening to music and laughing with my sister Hannah over memories of when she was little. My life seemed so empty and lonely without Ryan (just a name that I made up since I don't want to use my his real name).
We got to Aunt Geri's and I got up on the tall tower to jump from the Rope swing. I was terrified of the thing. I had only ever had the courage to jump once or twice before and it had been several years before. But before we broke up Ryan had asked me to please not ride it. He felt like it was an accident waiting to happen. I had told him that I wouldn't but since we broke up I felt that his opinion didn't matter and it gave me a fiendish delight that I could do it now just to spite him. In fact I made sure to video myself jumping so that I could send it to him. (I know its horrible.) I stood there at the top of the 45 foot tower terrified to jump but determined to do it to prove a point. This is for Ryan I thought and then I jumped.
I fell swooping down dizzyingly close to the ground before the rope caught and swung me out high above the shallow pond. I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body and my legs were shaking when I climbed off the swing.
I went to talk with my sister Marinna just a few feet away. While we stood there talking I saw a body falling from the tower but it looked different somehow. Who ever had jumped went straight down and never swung out at all. Marinna said "I hope that isn't one of mine" and started to run towards the tower. I followed her thinking how grateful I was that I didn't have my own children there to worry about.
And then I saw Hannah's Yellow shirt lying on the sand. Her legs laying at crazy angles and a smudge of blood next to her face. She wasn't moving. I could hear someone screaming and I thought "why wont that person shut up," and then I realized it was me. All I could think of was that I couldn't do this. I couldn't lose my little sister this way. Marinna had gone to her head and was sitting next to her in the sand. "Vilate, go away" she said "if Hannah can hear I don't want her to hear you."
I turned and started wondering in circles trying to find somewhere to go where this would all go away and my life would be OK again. A cousin came to me then and lead me to a bench where I started shaking uncontrollably. Someone shouted that Hannah wasn't breathing, and someone called 911. Just then my parents arrived and my mother seeing me crying on the bench frantically started towards me all I could do was point to where Hannah lay in the sand and sob out her name. My cousin sat with her arms around me and began to pray quietly in my ear.
Soon my trembling stopped and I felt that I was in control enough that I could go be near Hannah to either help or be with her in her last moments.
When I got over there someone had turned her on to her back and straightened the leg that was obviously broken. She lay there breathing long rattling breathes that seemed to start down in her legs and roll through her body. Her eyelids were blue and her lips were blue and there were foaming bubbles coming from her mouth. She still wasn't moving at all. Marinna was holding her head and talking soothingly to her telling her to hang on that help was coming. A friend of the families was there who happened to be an EMT and he was preparing her by putting in an IV. I held the IV bag as it was the only thing I could see to do that could help. I could see his hands shaking and It increased my own fear. He was on a walkie talkie and he asked for an ETA on the ambulance. The reply came back 20 more min. My heart sank, I didn't think she would make it another five much less 20 minutes. "Can we expedite that" he asked and I knew he felt the same way I did.
The minutes seemed to drag by until finally we saw the ambulance barreling down the long dirt road. Calmly and what seemed to me irritatingly slowly the medical team loaded her onto a stretcher and into the ambulance and started off to the hospital. Mother called for my older brother to come drive us so we could follow them to the hospital. He was throwing up in the bushes and didn't seem any more calm than either mother or I so someone else drove and we headed to the little country hospital hoping that Hannah would still be alive when we got there.
As we sat in the waiting room all I could think about was that I needed Ryan there, that I couldn't do this without him. My battery on my phone was dead and I didn't have his number. I didn't know what to do with myself so I paced the hall way waiting for the Doctor to give us an update. Periodically someone would come out and inform us that they were trying to stabilize her and that as soon as she was able to would life flight her to a larger hospital in Murray.
I paced the hallway feeling traped by the walls that surrounded me and the situation that I had no control over.
Finally they told us that she wasn't going to stabilize and that they needed to just send her regardless of her condition. They warned us that the altitude changes could be fatal but that her condition was more serious than they could handle. They took us in to see her and to say goodbye. The flight team stood by waiting to load her in the helicopter. We asked if we could have a few moments alone with her but they were manually breathing for her and so we squeezed her hand told her to hang on and then we left.
The 3 hour drive to Murray hospital were filled with some of the deepest soul searching moments that I had experienced up to that point. As we drove the silence settled in around us and I wondered where God was and what I could say or do that would make him leave her with us. I thought of what promises I could make or what sins I could give up to bargain with him and I knew that nothing I could say or do would make any difference.
I wondered what I could do to get out of having to go through this experience. I wanted to just throw up my hands and say OK that's it you win and then be done but again there was nothing I could do. I realized that nothing I could ever do was going to bring Ryan back and nothing I could ever do was going to change the long lonely days, weeks, and possibly years ahead of me.
And then I wondered why we even try. If life is so much outside of our control and has and always will be, then why do we try so hard to hang on to things? Ive lost people before, Ive done hard things before. I know that life is sometimes really difficult and requires all that we have to give so why do I hang on to a false sense of my own ability to control things until a situation like this comes along to prove to me just how little control I actually do have.
Everyone kept telling me, its going to be OK. What ever happens its going to be OK. Is it really? And what does OK even mean? Life is just life. Its about experiences that are not OK and some that are wonderful but really all it is, is a series of experiences designed to shape our characters and test our growth. So what really is OK? and does it even matter if its all OK?
My brain scrambled to find its footing and to have something concrete to hang my framework of life on. I found it in the following two ideas
1.) Heavenly Father is in control and he has a plan. This life while it is just a series of events meant to teach us and help us grow, is not a random series of events. Its a well planned well prepared for series of events that was custom made for us (and I believe agreed to by us) before we were ever born. This plan that a loving and all knowing Heavenly Father has for us, is perfectly tailored to our needs. While I cant control what happens in any of these situations he can and he will.
I thought of all the times that I had seen his hand in my life and knew that against all odds he had been with me protected me, prepared me and guided me, and I knew that he would not leave me now. I thought of the words to the hymn How firm a foundation. "The soul that on Jesus has leaned for repose, I will not I can not desert to his foes. That soul though all hell should endeavor to shake, I'll never no never no never forsake.
That was my foundation. that was the one thing that I knew without a doubt, that I could rely on through whatever came. That's what allowed me to let go of trying to control these situations and move forward one step at a time.
2.) I know that because Heavenly Father knew that life can be hard, and sometimes overwhelming and that we would often feel alone and lost he gave us a guide book and a set of instructions and organized a worldwide organization of others that were going through experiences just like I am to work together and to help each other through this mortal experience. He set milestones and trail markers along the way, and he prepared special places where we could go to rest and receive comfort when they way became too hard. He gave us regular opportunities to reconnect with him and to renew promises and covenants with him to give us strength.
Those two things are my foundation. They are the two things that will never and can never change. They are the two things that can give me hope in any situation, that can give me peace when everything that I hold dear is threatened. These two things are what keeps me grounded and ready to move forward.
In spite of the seriousness of her condition, (a broken neck, broken back, 16 broken ribs, a broken femur, both lungs collapsed, punctured heart, ruptured bladder, a head injury paralysis on the entire left side of her body, and numerous other injuries) Hannah walked from the hospital to the car on the day she was released just one month and two days from the day she arrived in a helicopter on deaths door.
I watched her walk down the isle at our sisters wedding just a few days later and I marveled at the miracle that took place in front of my very eyes. Its a miracle that I thank Heavenly father for daily. As I had let go of trying to control, to keep her there with me, she had come back, she had been aloud to live. Ryan on the other hand didnt come back. I continue to have to learn to move forward without him. But it all just confirms what I learned that day on the way to the hospital. Sometimes things will go the way that we want them to and sometimes they wont but it doesnt change those things that are my rock, my foundation. It doesnt change what I know.