In the last few months I have noticed something rather interesting about myself. I think that I am mutually exclusive. Yes I know its a tough idea to wrap your head around so I will try to explain what I mean. When I was a little girl (so little in fact that I only know because others have told me) I used to ask for something and then when I would get it I would right away start screaming for that thing to be taken away. Once it was gone I was a bundle of tears screaming to have it back. The sad thing is that this trait seems to have carried forward in my life in many different ways and I have come to the conclusion that it is because there are muliple sides of me and sometimes those sides are contradictory. For example I love to move. I love meeting new people and starting over. I love the feeling of a fresh start where no one nows you yet and you feel that you have the freedom to become whoever you want to be. I love organizing my things and setting up house. I love doing something that I have never done before and embraceing the uncertainty and quite often the awkwardness that comes when you really have no idea what you are doing. However, (and this wont be surprising to those that know me well) I hate moving. I hate change. I hate leaving people behind. I hate starting over. I hate making new friends and being out of my comfort zone. One would think that you cant feel both ways about the same things but I do.
Here is another example. The other day my friend Renae and I were talking about the greatest moments of our lives so far. You know those moments that qualify as your "greatest hits." We discused what our five best moments were and then we moved on to the five worst. The odd thing was that for me many of them were the same. The moments that had been the best of my life were actually the very same moments that were the worst.
I am a very organized person. (if you are reading this and you know me dont laugh... at least hear me out) In my head everything is very compartmentalized. I make all kinds of lists organizing my life. My books have to be organized very carefully and I have this need to have the skirts in my closet seperate from the shirts and both of them seperate from the dresses. They need to be on matching hangers and the shirts need to be higher than the skirts. After all shirts go on top right so they should hang that way in the closet. My socks have to be neatly rolled together and lined up in my drawer and the white ones have to be seperate from the colored ones. Doors must be closed and water must be off. The teapot must sit on the back left burner with the spout facing away from the stove. My bed must have both a fitted and a top sheet and the blankets have to be tucked in at the bottom and there must be a mattress cover.
The shower curtain must sit at the back end of the tub. I could go on about all of the things that must be organized and in place for me to be comfortable. And yet...
My bedroom is often a disaster. I will sometimes go too long with out doing the dishes. And if left up to me my house is not exactly what you would describe as immaculate. But there now I am just telling too much about myself. The point here is that here again is another thing about me that seems so contradictory. I love and I hate, I want and I dont, I am happy and i'm sad, I love swimming and I am afraid of water. I want life to hurrry and go by and I want to go back to the past. I find a hundred little ways everyday in which I contradict myself. I wonder what that says about me?
