The Bend in the Road

There have been just a few times in my life that I truly felt that I couldnt see my way ahead, that life as I knew it was changing and try as I might I couldnt see enough of what was coming to feel at ease with it.
Ive long since learned that the best way to make HF laugh is to tell him your plans for the future. My life is so far from what I planned for it to be. Over all I am happy in the changes to that plan. But there are a few things that I struggle to make peace with.
I never saw myself as a career woman, never saw myself caring much about business. And then when I started working and experienced some of that I found out why its so easy to get so involved in a career that it is a sacrifice to give it up to be a wife and mother. I often found myself excited and energised by the corporate world and all the adventure, excitement and competitiveness that it has to offer. Then one day I spent the weekend with a sister of mine who is a mom many times over. As I played with the kids, held them on my lap and listened to their stories, rocked them when they were sick and listened to them sing together for me, my heart was deeply touched and I remembered why I always felt that motherhood and family was the most important. Corporate America has got nothing on families. Nothing will ever compare and when it comes to making a difference, top bringing a person, a living breathing soul, full of potential, and dreams in to the world, and then shaping their perception and lives in such a way that you will always be one of if not the most important figures in their life.
i've always felt this way and yet as my biological clock beats a steady and all to furious rhythm toward middle age and the end of those child bearing years I find myself wondering what I will do with myself if I have to find meaning in other things. The day may come that I will need to realize that the road Im traveling isnt headed to Motherhood and my life will have to continue and I will have to find purpose and happiness somewhere else.
So I sit here; without a job, without a degree, without even an idea of what outside of these things is important to me. And I wonder what lies around the bend in this road that I am facing? Whatever it is am I going to like it? Am I going to be able to endure it? Is it bringing a bright new future or more devastating loneliness. Heavenly father doesnt seem to want to give me a peek. But as I sat in church today I did feel like I recieved a message. It came as it often does not from the words that are spoken but the ones that are sung. We were singing Be Still My Soul and the words touched me more even than they usually do. This one always has been a favorite of mine.
As I sang

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
With patience bear the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

I thought that with all the changes that I know are coming for me and oh how afraid I feel at the unknown this time, this is true. I do know that through it all he will be there, faithful as my best, my heavenly friend always has and always will be.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

He has guided my past, and I know he will guide my future as well. And as I look forward at the possibilities that lie ahead, whether Ryan is a part of that or not, whether the storm sends waves that seem far to big for my little boat to handle, I know that the waves and winds do still know his voice, he will not abandon me in my time of need, and he will not let the waves consume me.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Somehow someway, through all that life has to offer, the good the bad, the joys and heartaches, with this time of change as well as others that I know will continue to come, it will all be over and it will all have been for a good cause, the pain will be forgotten and all the promises the father has promised me will be fulfilled.
I remind myself of these things and I know that its a good thing, I know that its a true thing, but I also know that in those moments when the storm threatens to overturn my boat and I tell my soul to be still it will take every bit of faith I have within me to tell my soul to be still and to live these words I believe in.