In the blind spot

Its December first. A beginning of a new month and a beginning of something else. I dont know what. But Ive been broken down and that only happens when a building up is about to happen.

I feel so alone. As a child I was surrounded with more family than I knew what to do with. THen one by one they have gone their seperate ways. My friends married and had children and I too moved on to find new friends and move away from home to start my own life. Then those friends married and moved on and now I sit here at thirty years old, and I dont know where I belong anymore. My little sisters and my roommates are now marrying and having babies, I quit my job and as of this week Ryan and I are officially over. Oh how I loved him and probably always will. Hopefully the pain of missing him will diminish, hopefully the need to see him and to share the events of my day will dwindle and when it does all that will remain are fond memories and a deep love and respect for the something special that we had.

It needed to happen, I needed to be able to look the man I marry in the eye on our wedding day and know that he chose to be there, that he wanted to marry me and I want to see excitement in his eyes. I want to be able to rest comfortably knowing he will be there when I need him most and I want to know that he will fight with me and for me.

I dont know why Ryan couldnt do those things. Maybe its not for me to know. But I know that I gave it everything I had and more. I know the relationship didnt fail it just ended without ever culminating in marriage. I learned alot.

I promise myself that I wont let the pain I am experiencing now keep me from jumping with faith and both feet the next time that love finds me. I would rather do love whole heartedly and miss the mark than to tip toe around it and only half experience its joys.

I dont know where to go from here. I have promises to hang on to, I have the Lord in my corner showing me whenever I can see it that he is still there and still watching out for me. I know that hope is there. I can feel it. Perhaps its just in my blind spot and if it is then that means that it is not far off. In the mean time I want this pain to serve as the refiners fire to soften my heart not harden it. Pain is interesting that way. When you fight against it it hurts so much more, but when you take it upon you, realize that its there to serve a purpose and that purpose is ultimately to bring you joy then it becomes a tool to carry you through, to build you up and to create something worth having.