My first mistake...

I want to say my first mistake was in staying up so late. But everything unravels in this lonely head of mine and Im not even sure I could say anymore what my first mistake was.
Ive been doing so well lately in dealing with the break up. When we tried to break up before I had this horrible heavy feeling that left me feeling as though I couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything until somehow, someway things worked out for us. This time its different. I know that things probably aren't going to work out with us and actually I find that just knowing and accepting that is alot easier than trying to hang on to hope, and wait for something that may or may not ever happen. Its easier than being with him and being worried sick that things are going to take a turn for the worse again and its easier than putting my life on hold waiting to see what is going to happen.
I registered for an EMT training course today. I feel so happy and excited at all that lies ahead for me. I feel energized by the fact that I am moving forward again.
So Im happy... and when it becomes too difficult to continue being happy I usually just go to bed before I end up thinking about things too much and find out that actually I'm not so happy.
Tonight I just wasnt tired. I stayed up scrapbooking and reading and suddenly it hit me how terribly much I miss Ryan. I cant help but wonder if I gave up. I wonder if he is lonely and sad tonight too. I wonder how he is doing and if and when he will find someone else. I worry that he will never find the love he is looking for. And all at the same time I worry that he will. I want him all to myself. I want to share the rest of my life with him. Whoever she is I hate her already.
The truth is that I want him and I want all the good things that we had and are together but I want it with none of the bad. I want it in a world where I can be more honest with him and where he will not stress and worry and be sick or in pain all the time. I want a relationship with a Ryan that is confident and proactive. I want a relationship with a Ryan who is comfortable letting me in to his heart. He often told me that he didnt want to marry a girl that wanted to change him. Maybe thats why things just didnt work with us, maybe I wouldnt have been happy without wanting to change those things about him.
If there is any hope for us I hope HF sends us both the experiences we need to get to a place where we can make this work. And if there isnt...if we really truly are better off without each other I hope that my heart will heal quickly and the lonely ache will leave behind a more faithful, patient woman. And when it has healed I hope that there will be someone else who will live all those dreams with me that have been packed away and stored again for another day.