I started this experiment at a rather difficult time in my life. It fulfilled far more than I had anticipated. I found myself living more in each moment, enjoying little things that may have gone unnoticed, finding and feeling gratitude in unlikely situations, becoming more in tune with my feelings, feeling closer to my HF and feeling more peace and love and faith than I had in a very long time. My project was supposed to last 30 days. The last ten days I didnt write. You know the saying that the darkest hour is just before dawn? This project came in a sense at my darkest hour. There were moments especially toward the end of my experiment where I felt as though I could do no more and go no further, then the light came, and the trial that I found myself in came to an end.
In one of my earlier posts I wrote about life being OK or not. And how it is really just a pattern of sometimes its ok and sometimes its not, sometimes life is wonderful and sometimes its hard and OK really is temporary and irrelevant. As the trial that I was facing came to an end and the weight that was sitting on my chest for months lifted and I felt that rush of breath again I was somewhat surprised to find that while it was wonderful in everyway it didnt bring the euphoria that I would have thought it would. and I think its because I know that it wont solve all my problems its just that the wheel has turned and for this moment I am on top.
Its a comforting feeling actually, stable and even secure. I know what to expect. I know that hard times are going to come again and then they will go. And really nothing has changed. I still need HF as much as ever I still need to learn patience, focus on living each moment to the fullest, I still need to take risks, work hard, and live my life with faith.
Ryan is back! The love I feel for him increased by the trials that we faced in honoring what we felt we were asked to do. I dont know how long it will last. But this moment is my happy one. Last night as he held me in his arms as we were saying goodnight at the door, I looked into his face and I wanted to cherish that moment just the way it was, to savor it and make sure that I appreciated it adequately given all the weeks and months that I would have given so much just to see his face across the room and hear about his day.
I no longer feel sure as to what is going to happen. I dont know if we will somehow work through those things that are keeping us a part or if this will prove to be nothing more than a learnign experience and one day we will truly go our seperate ways and learn to love someone else. But as I have just one other time in my life I really feel ok about not knowing, not seeing more than the one step that I need to take in this moment. Its all I need, its all I can handle! The Lord knows my heart. He knows how much I want a home and children and he has promised those things to me. I can trust that he will bring them into my life at the right time and in the right way and all I can do and all I should do is take care of this moment, love it, live it, cherish it and grow from it.
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