Today, we took Hannah back to the site where he accident happened. We stood there looking up at the tower that she fell from, all of us feeling a bit sober. No one has been up there since she fell. A few of the guys welded a railing around it so that you can no longer jump and my aunt painted a sign that hangs on it that says "Johannah's Look Out July 2, 2011 Proves there are angels among us.
We met with a couple of the guys who saved her life and heard their version of the experience. We heard how nearly we came to losing her in the ER and we learned about the heroic efforts of a doctor who wouldnt give up on her.
We had a fantastic lunch and then we made the long drive back home. As we drove I couldnt help but remember the last time I had made that trip. My life had changed on that drive, I gained a clearer perspective of our role in life, who we are and why we are here. I remember feeling so lost and alone and wondering how I was going to get through that. Now looking back Hannah was spared and she is here and well, Ryan on the other hand is not. And thats something that I still struggle to let go of. I want a happy ending with that one too. I want the weight that sits on my chest making me feel like I cant continue to breath to go away. I want that heavy gray rock out of my stomach and I want to sleep through the night again without waking and realizing once again that he is not here and I will indeed have to get through quite a number of days without him. But the reality is that its not what I want that matters. What matters is how I face each day, and that I put my trust in a Heavenly Father who loves me. I often question how much he cares about this. On one hand the person I spent forever with is kind of a big deal. And I know that he knows what my future holds so he should also know who is going to be good for me and who is not. On the other hand, I know that I have a choice, we have a choice in who we marry. Its not a matter of right and wrong, its not a matter of good or bad. And we have been told and I believe that any two people striving to serve god and become better people can make a marriage work. Somehow, someway I will trust a father who knows me and loves me, who has made numerous promises to me, and who has brought me so much peace already. He knows my desires and he will bring into my life what is best for me.
"We can let the circumstances of our lives harden us so that we become increasingly resentful and afraid, or we can let them soften us, and make us kinder. We always have the choice."
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