Day 14

I've decided tears aren't so bad. Yesterday as I was driving home from work I was listening to Elder D Todd Christopherson's talk from last conference. His talk "As many as I love I rebuke and chasten" touched me in a way that few things have. As I listened I was reminded of a day years ago when feeling my life lacked purpose and direction I pleaded with the Lord to show me a way to give all that I have and am to him. Today as I struggle to place my faith and trust in him, and to be willing to patiently face the trials that he has put before me I realized that he is just doing what I asked and what is best for me. He is giving me those experiences that will shape me into the kind of person who will be comfortable and at home in his presence. I recently have started working in the Provo temple. There is nothing quite like the feeling that takes place as you walk into that building and from the first whispered greeting a feeling of peace starts to settle in around you, then as you change into your temple clothes that feeling is increased until nothing else in the world matters and contentment, happiness and a desire to do good permeates my entire being. This happens every time. This weekend was difficult for me. I was lonely and tired of being sad. I was tired of trying and of doing and I wanted to sit and feel sorry for myself. In my rebellion I refused to attend women's conference thinking I had had enough of trying to be good. I sat at home watching a sappy and poorly made romantic comedy and feeling sorry for myself, Sunday things went from bad to worse until I found myself in a position where I felt I had shamed myself and offended the Lord. I felt alone and lost, guilty and hopeless. I decided to walk to ward prayer that night to give myself a chance to think. As I did I remembered the feelings that I have in the temple and realized that I want to feel that way. At the moment I had removed myself from the Lords presence and it felt horrible. I was willing at that moment to do whatever it took to fix things.
So back to Elder christopherson's talk. I realized as I listened that if the Lord sees that a little suffering here will remove from me the sinful, proud, and impatience tendencies that will keep me from feeling comfortable and at home in the saviours company than it truly is a small price to pay. Even if all that I face in this life is loneliness and hardship it would still be a small price to pay. The Lord has always proven his way is better than mine. And I have slowly and painfully learned to give my will over to him. But I still find myself fighting to hang on to it.
Today I went home to my parents house to sort through some old boxes that have been in storage there. As I went through my old things that I haven't seen since before I joined the church a heavy feeling of sadness swept through me. I looked through old journals, pictures of years gone by, letters and keepsakes that were so steeped in memories that they brought tears to my eyes. As I drove back to Provo the sounds and words of conference filling the car brought welcome relief. And I realized I think more than I ever really understood that the only thing that can really bring true joy in my life is the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Without that I am nothing. I am lost and hopeless. I am guilty and worthless. But because of our ability to repent and access the atonement it all makes sense again. Because we can go to the temple, to scriptures, to conference we can receive strength to face the challenges that we will face in order to sanctify us for his presence. My heart swelled with joy and tears filled my eyes as I drove, as I listened to Elder Holland testify of the preparation and care that goes into each conference talk, as I listened to his voice choked with emotion promise me that if I will listen with the spirit I will hear a message prepared specifically, carefully and personally for me in the upcoming conference. What more could I ask for?
"Nevertheless the Lord seeth fit to chasten his people; yeah, he trieth their patience and their faith. Nevertheless whosoever putteth his trust in him the same shall be lifted up at the last day."